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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>Sally Beyond Bereft<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Heart-wrenching….<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>What about you?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Last stanza only three lines?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal> <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora Sitting Duck<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Redundant: on her way walking south<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: on her way south or walking south…<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>More specific and substitute for “friend”: Somehow, she and her grasshopper friend wondered into<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: She and her grasshopper guide wondered into…<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>? unclear: made up of provinces of a single race.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: made up of provinces representing each species.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Agreement: Unfortunately, Sitting and her grasshopper friend had wondered into the land at a time when they are at war with a stronger evil kingdom bent on their destruction.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: Unfortunately, Sitting and her grasshopper friend wondered into the land when it was at war with a stronger evil province bent on its destruction.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Simplify: The enemy kingdom has a pattern of starting to destroy which ever province is ruled by the kingdom's monarch.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: The evil province had a pattern of attacking whichever province was ruled by the chosen monarch.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Tense: The rulers have elected Sitting to be their monarch figuring that if she and her province are destroyed, it will be no big loss.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: The rulers elected Sitting to be their monarch figuring that if she and her province were destroyed, it would be no big loss.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Redundant: We have all been new at this the first time.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: We have all been new at this.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Same speaker, don’t separate from quote before: <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>"Would you like to try and send a message, now?”<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Redundant: They heard a buzzing and turned around to see some bees behind them.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: They heard a buzzing and turned to see some bees behind them.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Break into two sentences: <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Sitting felt numb and like things were out of control as she got up and her and Merlin followed the swarm of bees down to the crystal pond.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: Sitting felt numb and like things were out of control. She followed Merlin and the swarm of bees down to the crystal pond.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Who is “she?”: A tusk as long as she was tall protruded from the mouth of the only head she could see.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>? typo?: suits of mail<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: suits of nails<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Punctuation: After some discussion and negotiation, a joyous Regis ended up with 200 barrels of dragon blood, Dog breath took the tusks of all but one of the dragon heads, and the three tail spikes.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: After some discussion and negotiation, a joyous Regis ended up with 200 barrels of dragon blood, and Dog breath took the three tail spikes and tusks from all but one of the dragon heads.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “just”: like it was just about to pounce<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: like it was about to pounce<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Punctuation: The dragon meat was cut into stakes for the trolls, the smaller parts into squares for shish kebabs for the fairies, avian, and Halflings, the shoulders and hind quarters made some nice roasts for the dwarves, humans, and elves.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: The dragon meat was cut into stakes for the trolls; the smaller parts were cut into squares for shish kebabs for the fairies, avian, and Halflings. The shoulders and hind quarters made some nice roasts for the dwarves, humans, and elves.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Too many thoughts: She learned it was possible to hire the dragons in the land to attack another kingdom; the kingdom gained or lost gold, goods, and land depending on the outcome of battles; some creatures in the land were professional thieves, sorcerers, or warriors; and that they all worked together to help each other to defend and advance their kingdom.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Deanna Phoebe<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in'>Choppy sequence: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Phoebe was my third guide dog. I was able to arrange to leave Angelyn with my in-laws in Phoenix and fly on to The Seeing Eye in March of 1979. It would had to be then, or put off getting a guide dog for another couple of years. I was expecting our second child in August. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in'>Try: In March of 1979 when I got Phoebe, my third guide dog, <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>I was able to leave Angelyn with my in-laws in Phoenix and fly on to The Seeing Eye. I was expecting our second child in August, so it had to be then or put off for another couple of years. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Move first line, then start new paragraph: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>I was four months pregnant It was March and the Morristown streets were icy. My instructor had not been Phoebe’s trainer. This happens when an instructor borrows a dog from another<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: The Morristown streets were icy in March. My instructor was a little concerned about my safety since I was in the first trimester of my pregnancy. I nearly gave him a heart attack, when… <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>I was four months pregnant delete “while”: She learned to guide me while I towed a stroller behind me, while I carried an infant in a front pack. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: She learned to guide me while I carried an infant in a front pack and towed a stroller behind me. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Spelling: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>She was up for any aedventure.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: She was up for any adventure.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Simplify: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>At a reception, a man stepped back on her paw. He shattered a claw on her rightfront paw. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: At a reception, a man stepped back and shattered a claw on her right front paw .<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Change order (surgery after walking): <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>When her foreleg had to be amputated to save her from the ravages of the cancer, I felt there was no choice. We didn’t have the money to pay for the surgery she needed. She had been a wonderful courageous friend. At home, she walked with the affected paw raised. She continued walking on her painful paw whenever she was in harness. I threw myself into<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: At home, she walked with the affected paw raised. She continued walking on her painful paw whenever she was in harness. When her foreleg had to be amputated to save her from the ravages of the cancer, I felt there was no choice. We didn’t have the money to pay for the surgery she needed. She had been a wonderful courageous friend. I threw myself into…<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete on lap: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Phoebe ran to place her head on my lap and vocalized for several minutes with her broad head in my lap.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: Phoebe ran to me and vocalized for several minutes with her broad head in my lap.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Leonard<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Unnecessary commas: <span style='color:black'>I recently read, in a science fiction story involving artificial intelligence, that “intelligence”<i> </i>is defined as<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: I recently read in a science fiction story involving artificial intelligence that “intelligence”<i> </i>is defined as<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Unnecessary words?: <span style='color:black'>I was blown away by the implications of that definition.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: I was blown away by the implications. (or the definition)<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Stronger?: <span style='color:black'>which is one directing them to<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: <span style='color:black'>directing them to<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Book title set off with quotes: <u><span style='color:black'>Red Badge of Courage<o:p></o:p></span></u></p><p class=MsoNormal><u><span style='color:black'>Try: “Red Badge of Courage”<o:p></o:p></span></u></p><p class=MsoNormal><u><span style='color:black'><o:p><span style='text-decoration:none'> </span></o:p></span></u></p><p class=MsoNormal>Tense/simplify: <span style='color:black'>However, given time to absorb this initial bout with fear, he chooses to override his natural fear programming and respond with fight instead of flight, even though the fear remains. On the other hand, he could have chosen to jump programming tracks and switch from fear to anger. Or maybe he could have come to understand that living as a coward was more threatening to his survival as a worthwhile human being than dying. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: However, given time to absorb this initial bout with fear, he chose to override his natural programming and respond with fight instead of flight, even though the fear remained. He could have chosen to jump programming tracks (delete and switch) from fear to anger, or come to understand that living as a coward was more threatening to survival as a worthwhile human being than dying. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Simplify: <span style='color:black'>Whatever the choice, it is always the one that<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: <span style='color:black'>The choice is always the one that<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete comma: <span style='color:black'>or, self aggrandizement.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: or self aggrandizement.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Simplify, delete commas: <span style='color:black'>Those options, which have served us well in the past, are the same ones that are leading to our degradation.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: The options that served us well in the past are the same ones leading to our degradation.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Add comma: <span style='color:black'>After all, in our gatherer-hunter era we were in no danger of overindulgence. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: After all, in our gatherer-hunter era, we were in no danger of overindulgence. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Overuse “place”: <span style='color:black'>If we used up the resources in any given place, we could always move on. There were plenty of places to move on to. By the time we got back to a used- up place, it most likely would have recovered.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: If we depleted resources in one place, we could move on. By the time we returned, resources could have recovered.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Simplify: <span style='color:black'>The takers took and the rest of the world gave, whether they wanted to or not. From the takers’ point of view, there was always more to be taken. The land and oceans were, to their limited perspective, limitless. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Try: The takers took and the world gave. From the takers’ point of view, the land and oceans were limitless.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'> <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Unnecessary: <span style='color:black'>We tend to be in denial when faced with evidence that self restraint is to our advantage, in the long run.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>Try: We tend to be in denial when faced with evidence that self restraint is to our advantage.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “just”: <span style='color:black'>Just knowing that this is an option proves<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: Knowing that this is an option proves<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Stronger conclusion: <span style='color:black'>Will we, as a species, choose these new patterns which are required in our new, evolving environment?<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'> <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>If so, this would be a good time to do it.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>Will we, as a species, choose new patterns to survive in our evolving environment?This would be a good time to start.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p></div></body></html>