[Critique Group 1] Marcia's edits

[Marcia Wick]

For Cleora:

Dialogue punctuation tips -

*         Start a new paragraph for each speaker

*         When one character's dialogue extends to more than one paragraph,
start each subsequent paragraph with a double quotation mark, and place your
closing double quotation mark only at the end of the final paragraph.

*         Place punctuation inside the quotation marks, the dialogue tag
outside: "John was just here asking about you," Jim said. 

*         The attribution tag goes after the first clause of a compound
sentence: "Not tonight," he said, "not in this weather."

*         When dialogue ends with a question or exclamation mark, the
dialogue tag following the quotation marks should be lowercase:  "I'm glad
you're here!" she said.

*         Action before dialogue takes a separate sentence: Anna shook her
head. "I can't believe she's gone!"

*         Quoting within a quote requires single quotation marks: "Lucy, Mom
specifically said, 'Do not cut your bangs,' and you did it anyway!" 

*         When action or attribution interrupts dialogue, use lowercase as
dialogue resumes: "That," she said, "hurt bad."

 

I can see this as chapters in monthly children's magazine like Highlights.
Each month would need a recap but you did that well here.

 

I kind of liked the name Dog Breath.

 

Reword/quoes?:  Yesterday, late,

Try:  "Late yesterday, 

 

??? (1:48).

 

Opening quote or continuation:  "We also received

"You already know about

.

Closing quote Also, the CBM is beeping. You have an urgent message."

 

Quote inside quote:  "On April 24, at 15:00 we received this note.

To the Honorable Queen Sitting Duck

Please attend a meeting at my castle this afternoon to discuss what to do
about Silent Enigma.

Signed, Sir Dragon of Legacy of Dragons in the kingdom of Hades Legions."

Follow example.

Try:  "On April 24 at 15:00, we received this note, 'To the Honorable Queen
Sitting Duck:  Please attend a meeting at my castle this afternoon to
discuss what to do about Silent Enigma,'

signed Sir Dragon of Legacy of Dragons in the kingdom of Hades Legions."

 

"on" instead of "of":  the names of two of the messages

Try:  the names on two of the messages

 

"looking" repeated six time - use Thesaurus, powerful options:  she twisted
her head first one way and the other looking at everything. .she started
looking all around. .Then she looked up at the clouds. .

Grasshopper shifted his position to look around the edge of the shield .

"Look out!" .which caused grasshopper to be looking to the side 

 

 

Sally

Use of semicolons?

 

So slender

Try: slender

 

Still miss

Try:  miss

 

But for Laurence who lovingly guides me

Try:  except for Laurence who lovingly guides me

 

 

Leonard

Like the idea, topic

 

Want to squash a taboo topic,

Try:  Want to squash a topic, make it taboo?

 

a word that stands for writing death,

try:  a word that guarantees writing death,

 

thou shalt not

try:  "thou shall not"

 

we ought to be having, of course,

of those things that really matter

try:  we ought to be having, of course,

about those things that really matter

 

delete such as

 

Manuscripts melt like melting flowers,

Overuse "melt"?

 

 

Deanna

 

Spelling:   to heart-sick

Try:  too heart-sick

 

Capitalize:  each of my dogs

Try:  Each of my dogs

 

Love the analogy like a mail order bride

 

Delete comma:  My younger daughter, Kassia  was four.

Try:  My younger daughter Kassia  was four.

 

Double negative?:  She couldn't understand why I wouldn't allow her to go to
guide dog school training without her.t

Try:  She couldn't understand why I would go to guide dog school training
without her.

 

Insert comma:  should be allowed to come this time too.

Try:  should be allowed to come this time, too.

 

Delete comma:  It wasn't until the first snowfall, that she began to
demonstrate her true personality.

Try:  It wasn't until the first snowfall that she began to demonstrate her
true personality.

 

Understanding?:  the park door (to relieve?)

 

Rearrange "usually":  they told me it was a man usually wearing a hat
staring at us.

Try:  they usually told me it was a man wearing a hat staring at us.

 

Clarification:  My dog understood she had misbehaved, but she certainly
didn't understand the verbal threat.

 

Reword:  If a guide dog gets distracted by sniffing another person, seeks
their attention or distracted from concentrating on guiding their blind
handler, the consequences could be disastrous to the blind person.

Try:  If a guide dog gets distracted sniffing another person, seeking their
attention, or isn't concentrating on guiding their blind handler, the
consequences could be disastrous.

 

Reword:  another elderly woman stopped her car in the road to threaten us
with reporting us to the SPCA for cruelty to our dog

Try:  an elderly woman stopped her car in the road and threatened to report
us to the SPCA for cruelty to our dog.

 

Use name (just referred to daughter):  I retired her after four years

Try:  I retired Irish after four years

 

Dangling?:  I quickly switched the harness to the correct dog, handed Irish
the mail and sent her back up the driveway to my daughter where she stood on
the porch. 

Try:  I quickly switched the harness to the correct dog, handed Irish the
mail and sent her back up the driveway to my daughter who stood on the
porch. 

 

"and" instead of comma:  Although she was capable of excellent guiding,
loved getting into her harness, she was an odd combination of soft and
stubborn.

Try:  Although she was capable of excellent guiding and loved getting into
her harness, she was an odd combination of soft and stubborn.

 

Avoid using "after" twice:  After Irish refused to get up after I was told
to correct her for walking me into a blackberry bramble growing out on the
shoulder of the road

Try:  After Irish refused to get up when I was told to correct her for
walking me into a blackberry bramble growing out on the shoulder of the road

 

Spelling:  Iresh taught me

Try:  Irish

 

 

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