[Critique Group 1] Marcia's June comments

[Marcia Wick]

Sally Farewell

 

Consider rewording:  Cake crumbs swept away like memories

Try:  memories swept away like cake crumbs

 

Suggest present tense throughout

The lunch we share (not shared)  will be our last,

 

Cleora The Legend part 1

 

I can "picture" this as a picture book. Perhaps be even more descriptive.

 

Set off introductory phrase with comma:  Once upon a time there was

Try:  Once upon a time, there was

 

Avoid "very"(4X):  she could only do so if the prey was very stupid, and
came very close to her bill. Mostly, she sat in the water very still and
waited for a fish to swim very close and then she would quickly snatch it
up.

Try:  she could only do so if the prey was stupid and ventured close to her
bill.

Mostly, she sat still in the water and waited for a fish to swim close
enough to snatch it up.

 

Typo:  If you hear anything approaching, quick!

ly run into the grass,

try:  If you hear anything approaching, quickly run into the grass,.OR:  If
you hear anything approaching, quick, run into the grass,

 

redundant? :  swallow it down

try:  swallow 

 

delete "and":  "What can you do for me, and I'm very hungry. 

try:  "What can you do for me, I'm very hungry.

 

Consider rewording "it":  dropped it on her back

Try:  dropped the helpful green bug on her back

 

Insert comma:  With that the fish explained

Try:  With that, the fish explained

 

Simplify , avoid "that":  the land was once a mighty human province called
The Crystal Pond, that had fallen into ruin after the mighty warrior king
Hound of War that ruled it had been killed in a fierce battle.

Try:  the land was once a mighty human province called The Crystal Pond. The
kingdom fell into ruin after the mighty warrior ruler, Hound of War, was
killed in a fierce battle.

 

that was totally able to hold her weight?

Try:  the rickety drawbridge held her weight as she waddled.

 

Insert comma after introductory phrase:  At this Sitting began to think

Try:  At this, Sitting began to think

 

Check dialogue rule:  insert line break before dialogue with different
speakers. Dialogue usually starts with a new line.

 

Leonard Plastic Hills

 

fashion-able:  Why not fashionable?

 

Reword:  squeezed into coal and diamonds as sublime,

Try:  squeezed into coal and diamonds, so sublime,

 

Avoid "it":  Today it

Try:  Today plastic

 

Consider semicolon:  Today it befouls our Earth 

in every open space and crevasse,

all the land and sky, oceans and streams,

eaten by beasts, fish and fowl,

polluting their hormones and organs,

while passing through, but rarely destroyed.

Try:  Today plastic befouls our Earth 

in every open space and crevasse,

all the land and sky, oceans and streams; 

it is eaten by beasts, fish and fowl,

polluting their hormones and organs,

while passing through, it is rarely destroyed.

 

Good finish:  Why do they remind me of me?

 

Deanna Chapter 14

 

Feet Not literally but proportionally bigger:  His feet were the largest
things about him.  He had seven toes on each paw. 

Try:  With seven toes on each paw, his feet were extra-large like Kareem
Abdul Jabar (sp?).OR his oversize paws with seven toes dwarfed  his scrawny
body.

 

Add detail:  in the middle of her rug

try:  in the middle of her favorite rug

 

insert "in the past":  Specialized units handling caseloads of Hispanics or
Japanese welfare recipients had worked efficiently and a unit was formed to
attempt to bridge the cultural barriers for Native American clients. 

Try:  In the past, specialized units handling caseloads of Hispanics or
Japanese welfare recipients had worked efficiently, so a new unit was formed
to attempt to bridge the cultural barriers for Native American clients. 

 

Love this line:  I often felt like a girl scout with a box of band aids,
trying to help at a major traffic accident. 

 

Insert commas:  sisters aunts and cousins

Try:  sisters, aunts, and cousins

 

redundant, anything borrowed is temporary:  my temporarily borrowed number

Try:  my borrowed number

 

Start new paragraph, transition from discrimination due to blindness:  Once
when we were children,

Try:  I was prejudged both by my mixed blood and blindness. Once when we
were children,

 

Move semicolon:  This was the real world, where some of my co-workers
wondered why I was receiving a higher salary; when it seemed obvious to them
that a blind person couldn't do the work. 

Try:  This was the real world; some of my co-workers wondered why I was
receiving a higher salary when it seemed obvious to them that a blind person
couldn't do the work. 

 

One word:  down-hill

Try:  downhill

 

Consider separating into two chapters/two themes

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