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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>Sally Farewell<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Consider rewording: Cake crumbs swept away like memories<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: memories swept away like cake crumbs<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Suggest present tense throughout<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>The lunch we share (not shared) will be our last,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora The Legend part 1<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>I can “picture” this as a picture book. Perhaps be even more descriptive…<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Set off introductory phrase with comma: Once upon a time there was<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: Once upon a time, there was<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Avoid “very”(4X): she could only do so if the prey was very stupid, and came very close to her bill. Mostly, she sat in the water very still and waited for a fish to swim very close and then she would quickly snatch it up.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: she could only do so if the prey was stupid and ventured close to her bill.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Mostly, she sat still in the water and waited for a fish to swim close enough to snatch it up.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Typo: If you hear anything approaching, quick!<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal> ly run into the grass,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>try: If you hear anything approaching, quickly run into the grass,…OR: If you hear anything approaching, quick, run into the grass,<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>redundant? : swallow it down<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>try: swallow <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>delete “and”: "What can you do for me, and I'm very hungry. <o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>try: "What can you do for me, I'm very hungry.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Consider rewording “it”: dropped it on her back<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: dropped the helpful green bug on her back<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma: With that the fish explained<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: With that, the fish explained<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Simplify , avoid “that”: the land was once a mighty human province called The Crystal Pond, that had fallen into ruin after the mighty warrior king Hound of War that ruled it had been killed in a fierce battle.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: the land was once a mighty human province called The Crystal Pond. The kingdom fell into ruin after the mighty warrior ruler, Hound of War, was killed in a fierce battle.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>that was totally able to hold her weight?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: the rickety drawbridge held her weight as she waddled…<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma after introductory phrase: At this Sitting began to think<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: At this, Sitting began to think<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Check dialogue rule: insert line break before dialogue with different speakers. Dialogue usually starts with a new line.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Leonard Plastic Hills<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>fashion-able: Why not fashionable?<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Reword: <span style='color:black'>squeezed into coal and diamonds as sublime,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>squeezed into coal and diamonds, so sublime,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Avoid “it”: <span style='color:black'>Today it<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Try: Today plastic<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Consider semicolon: <span style='color:black'>Today it befouls our Earth <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>in every open space and crevasse,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>all the land and sky, oceans and streams,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>eaten by beasts, fish and fowl,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>polluting their hormones and organs,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>while passing through, but rarely destroyed.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Try: <span style='color:black'>Today plastic befouls our Earth <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>in every open space and crevasse,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>all the land and sky, oceans and streams; <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>it is eaten by beasts, fish and fowl,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>polluting their hormones and organs,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'><span style='color:black'>while passing through, it is rarely destroyed.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal style='mso-margin-top-alt:auto;mso-margin-bottom-alt:auto'>Good finish: <span style='color:black'>Why do they remind me of me?<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Deanna Chapter 14<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Feet Not literally but proportionally bigger: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>His feet were the largest things about him. He had seven toes on each paw. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: With seven toes on each paw, his feet were extra-large like Kareem Abdul Jabar (sp?)…OR his oversize paws with seven toes dwarfed his scrawny body.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Add detail: in the middle of her rug<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>try: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>in the middle of her favorite rug<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>insert “in the past”: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Specialized units handling caseloads of Hispanics or Japanese welfare recipients had worked efficiently and a unit was formed to attempt to bridge the cultural barriers for Native American clients. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: In the past, specialized units handling caseloads of Hispanics or Japanese welfare recipients had worked efficiently, so a new unit was formed to attempt to bridge the cultural barriers for Native American clients. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Love this line: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>I often felt like a girl scout with a box of band aids, trying to help at a major traffic accident. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert commas: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>sisters aunts and cousins<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: sisters, aunts, and cousins<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>redundant, anything borrowed is temporary: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>my temporarily borrowed number<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: my borrowed number<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Start new paragraph, transition from discrimination due to blindness: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Once when we were children,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: I was prejudged both by my mixed blood and blindness. <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Once when we were children,<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Move semicolon: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>This was the real world, where some of my co-workers wondered why I was receiving a higher salary; when it seemed obvious to them that a blind person couldn’t do the work. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>This was the real world; some of my co-workers wondered why I was receiving a higher salary when it seemed obvious to them that a blind person couldn’t do the work. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>One word: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>down-hill<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: downhill<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Consider separating into two chapters/two themes<o:p></o:p></p></div></body></html>