[Critique Group 1] January critique from Marcia

[Marcia Wick]

Sally Random Act of Pasta

 

I Like the title

 

Paragraph breaks where action changes:  New paragraph As we entered.

 

Delete "still" stronger:  the longing I still felt for my mother

Try:  the longing I felt for my mother 

 

Separate actions:  Following with my guide dog Laurence, I waited while the
hostess

Try:  I followed with my guide dog Laurence and then waited while the
hostess

 

Agreement:  donated to animal-related charities as well as shopping
regularly

Try:  donated to animal-related charities and shopped regularly.

 

Consider title:  a random act of kindness broke the real and metaphorical

Try:  a random act of pasta broke the real and metaphorical

 

 

Cleora An Inconvenient Partner

 

Be consistent with point of view:  he vs. I

 

Narration/thoughts/attribution? Whose head are you in?

 

Paragraph breaks (blank lines)

 

Delete "quickly":  John quickly straddled his motorcycle.

Try:  John straddled his motorcycle.

 

Use independent clause with semicolon:  ; making sure everything was in tip
top shape.

Try:  ; he made sure everything was in tip top shape.

 

Delete "just":  The sun was just going down as he finished up.

Try:  The sun was going down as he finished up.

 

Delete "just":  His mother was just cleaning up

Try:  His mother was cleaning up

 

Delete "back" redundant:  He brought the bicycle back to the garage and hung
it back on the wall.

Try:  He brought the bicycle back to the garage and hung it on the wall.

 

Insert comma:  "You don't know anyone that has an old one they would sell do
you?"

Try:  "You don't know anyone that has an old one they would sell, do you?"

 

Reword (thoughts are brief, "stranger danger" for children?:  Briefly, John
remembered his parent's warnings about stranger danger, but Jake seemed like
an ok guy.

Try:  John remembered his parent's warnings about hitching rides with
strangers, but he dismissed it.  Jake seemed like an ok guy.

 

Delete "few" redundant, a bit, some, still.stronger, more direct:  The
coliseum was dirty and a bit run down, but the track was still in good
shape. There were a few weeds and some grass growing up between the cracks,
but it was passable. They took turns making a few laps around the track.

Try:  The coliseum was dirty and run down, but the track was in good shape.
Weeds and grass grew up between the cracks, but it was passable. They took
turns making a few laps around the track.

 

 

Leonard Love is Blessed

 

Word choice:  joyousness

 

Word choice:  Feast and feaster freshened to life.

 

Commas instead of semicolons?

 

 

Deanna Chapter 9

 

Indirect:  I knew she would keep me out from under the wheels of the car
unexpectedly turning right on red.  She would guide me safely around the
open manhole.  I could approach other pedestrians to ask directions, secure
that my guide would serve as a deterrent to them viewing me as a potential
victim.  We could quickly move away from anyone trying to engage us in
conversation if they made either of us feel uneasy. 

Stronger?:  She kept me out from under the wheels of cars unexpectedly
turning right on red.  She guided me safely around open manholes.  I
approached other pedestrians to ask directions, secure that my guide
deterred them from viewing me as a potential victim.  We could quickly move
away from anyone trying to engage us in conversation if they made either of
us feel uneasy. 

 

Confusing:  She was supposed to meet me at the Greyhound bus station, when I
arrived.  Tammy and I boarded the bus, I asked her to find a seat. 

Clarify:  She planned to meet us at the Greyhound bus station when we
arrived.  When Tammy and I boarded the bus, I asked her to find a seat. 

 

Suggest quotes:  "no hippie girl and her hippie dog."

 

Insert commas:  In his mind, my long braids long Navajo style skirt and
moccasins and Tammy's blue peace symbol had tagged us counter-culture types!


Try:  In his mind, my long braids, flowing Navajo style skirt, and moccasins
combined with Tammy's blue peace symbol tagged us as counter-culture types.
(discourage exclamation mark)

 

Insert comma:  I angrily pulled free and stood jerking on Tammy's leash. 

Try:  I angrily pulled free and stood, jerking on Tammy's leash. 

 

Punctuation:  As she scrambled to stand beside me I ordered fiercely.
"Tammy! Kill!" 

Try:  As she scrambled to stand beside me, I ordered fiercely, "Tammy!
Kill!" 

 

Move to end for flow?:  It's a funny thing, but if. using a mobility cane or
a guide dog.    (pick up "on another occasion.")

 

Typo:  shuffle my feet

 

Reword:  A sailor took me by each elbow and continued across the
intersection with me suspended above the ground between them. 

Try:  Each sailor took me by an elbow and continued across the intersection
with me suspended between them. 

 

Redundant:  suspended above the ground

 

Insert quotes:  yell "come" to my dog. My two friends.(delete "and")

 

Insert commas:  so Annie Tammy and I

Try:  so Annie, Tammy, and I

 

Delete "really":  She was really quite a good flycatcher. 

Try:  She was quite a good flycatcher. 

 

Avoid last name?:  Scottie Hagedorn

 

?:  That definitely put paid to his flirtatious manner when dealing with us.


 

Delete "pretty":  It was pretty flagrantly accepted dogma, among the people
living near the reservation, that all Indian men drank and beat their wives.


Try:  It was accepted dogma, flagrantly held among the people living near
the reservation, that all Indian men drank and beat their wives. 

 

Suggest starting new paragraph:  Although I knew that my family loved having
me.

 

Insert comma:  Mr. O'Neil, the apartment manager brought

Try:  Mr. O'Neil, the apartment manager, brought

 

Delete "record" redundant:  she knocked my record player to the floor,
breaking my favorite record album. 

Try:  she knocked my record player to the floor, breaking my favorite album.


 

Delete redundant:  She confidently expressed the opinion that

Try:  She confidently expressed that

 

Revise:  a 16 block to

Try:  a 16-block walk to

 

 

 

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