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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>Sally Random Act of Pasta<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>I Like the title<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Paragraph breaks where action changes: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>New paragraph As we entered…<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “still” stronger: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>the longing I still felt for my mother<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: the longing I felt for my mother <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Separate actions: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Following with my guide dog Laurence, I waited while the hostess<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: I followed with my guide dog Laurence and then waited while the hostess<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Agreement: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>donated to animal-related charities as well as shopping regularly<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: donated to animal-related charities and shopped regularly…<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Consider title: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>a random act of kindness broke the real and metaphorical<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: a random act of pasta broke the real and metaphorical</span><o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora An Inconvenient Partner<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Be consistent with point of view: he vs. I<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Narration/thoughts/attribution? Whose head are you in?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Paragraph breaks (blank lines)<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “quickly”: John quickly straddled his motorcycle.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: John straddled his motorcycle.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Use independent clause with semicolon: ; making sure everything was in tip top shape.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: ; he made sure everything was in tip top shape.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “just”: The sun was just going down as he finished up.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: The sun was going down as he finished up.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “just”: His mother was just cleaning up<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: His mother was cleaning up<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Delete “back” redundant: He brought the bicycle back to the garage and hung it back on the wall.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: He brought the bicycle back to the garage and hung it on the wall.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma: “You don’t know anyone that has an old one they would sell do you?"<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: “You don’t know anyone that has an old one they would sell, do you?"<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword (thoughts are brief, “stranger danger” for children?: Briefly, John remembered his parent's warnings about stranger danger, but Jake seemed like an ok guy.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: John remembered his parent's warnings about hitching rides with strangers, but he dismissed it. Jake seemed like an ok guy.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “few” redundant, a bit, some, still…stronger, more direct: The coliseum was dirty and a bit run down, but the track was still in good shape. There were a few weeds and some grass growing up between the cracks, but it was passable. They took turns making a few laps around the track.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: The coliseum was dirty and run down, but the track was in good shape. Weeds and grass grew up between the cracks, but it was passable. They took turns making a few laps around the track.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Leonard Love is Blessed<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Word choice: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>joyousness<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=aolmailmsonormal>Word choice: <span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial",sans-serif;color:black'>Feast and feaster freshened to life.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman",serif'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Commas instead of semicolons?<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Deanna Chapter 9<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Indirect: I knew she would keep me out from under the wheels of the car unexpectedly turning right on red. She would guide me safely around the open manhole. I could approach other pedestrians to ask directions, secure that my guide would serve as a deterrent to them viewing me as a potential victim. We could quickly move away from anyone trying to engage us in conversation if they made either of us feel uneasy. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Stronger?: She kept me out from under the wheels of cars unexpectedly turning right on red. She guided me safely around open manholes. I approached other pedestrians to ask directions, secure that my guide deterred them from viewing me as a potential victim. We could quickly move away from anyone trying to engage us in conversation if they made either of us feel uneasy. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Confusing: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>She was supposed to meet me at the Greyhound bus station, when I arrived. Tammy and I boarded the bus, I asked her to find a seat. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Clarify: She planned to meet us at the Greyhound bus station when we arrived. When Tammy and I boarded the bus, I asked her to find a seat. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Suggest quotes: “<span style='font-size:12.0pt'>no hippie girl and her hippie dog.”<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert commas: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>In his mind, my long braids long Navajo style skirt and moccasins and Tammy’s blue peace symbol had tagged us counter-culture types! <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: In his mind, my long braids, flowing Navajo style skirt, and moccasins combined with Tammy’s blue peace symbol tagged us as counter-culture types. (discourage exclamation mark)<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>I angrily pulled free and stood jerking on Tammy’s leash. </span><o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: I angrily pulled free and stood, jerking on Tammy’s leash. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Punctuation: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>As she scrambled to stand beside me I ordered fiercely. “Tammy! Kill!” <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: As she scrambled to stand beside me, I ordered fiercely, “Tammy! Kill!” <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%'>Move to end for flow?: <span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'>It’s a funny thing, but if… using a mobility cane or a guide dog. (pick up “on another occasion…”)<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Typo: shuffle my feet<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>A sailor took me by each elbow and continued across the intersection with me suspended above the ground between them. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: Each sailor took me by an elbow and continued across the intersection with me suspended between them. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Redundant: suspended above the ground<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert quotes: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>yell “come” to my dog. My two friends…(delete “and”)<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert commas: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>so Annie Tammy and I<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: so Annie, Tammy, and I<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “really”: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>She was really quite a good flycatcher. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: She was quite a good flycatcher. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Avoid last name?: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Scottie Hagedorn<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>?: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>That definitely put paid to his flirtatious manner when dealing with us. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “pretty”: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>It was pretty flagrantly accepted dogma, among the people living near the reservation, that all Indian men drank and beat their wives. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: It was accepted dogma, flagrantly held among the people living near the reservation, that all Indian men drank and beat their wives. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Suggest starting new paragraph: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Although I knew that my family loved having me…<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Mr. O’Neil, the apartment manager brought<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: Mr. O’Neil, the apartment manager, brought<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “record” redundant: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>she knocked my record player to the floor, breaking my favorite record album. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: she knocked my record player to the floor, breaking my favorite album. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete redundant: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>She confidently expressed the opinion that<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: She confidently expressed that<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Revise: <span style='font-size:12.0pt'>a 16 block to<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'>Try: a 16-block walk to<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><o:p> </o:p></p></div></body></html>