[Critique Group 1] Marcia's comments

[Marcia Wick]

Deanna Chapter 18

Hyphenate:  two and a half

Try:  two-and-a-half

 

Move comma from before parentheses to after and delete within:  we built
Alafa Mua,(first guiding light, in Samoan) the

Try:  we built Alafa Mua  (first guiding light in Samoan), the

 

Insert "and":  language, built

Try:  language, and built

 

Deserves new paragraph:  We adopted one

 

Insert blank line before paragraph break?: Teddy was a huge

 

Avoid "being words," reword?, also 17 months:  Teddy was a huge golden
retriever, with a gentle spirit.  He came to live with us and be my guide
dog when my daughter was seventeen-months old. 

Try:  Teddy, a huge golden retriever with a gentle spirit, came to live with
us as my guide dog when my daughter was 17 months old. 

 

Reference name:  thoroughly enjoyed Angie's (who?)

 

???:  give us a Twinkie the Kid ring. (I don't know what this means.)

 

Simplify:  she mistook his luxurious pale blond coat for plush and assumed
he was a stuffed dog and part of the display. 

Try:  she mistook his luxurious blond coat for a plush toy in the display. 

 

Use number over 10:  eighty-five pound

Try:  85-pound

 

Punctuation:  shouted "No doggy! Bear! 

Try:  shouted, "No doggy! Bear!"

 

Reword:the match doesn't work out. 

Try:  the match doesn't always work out. 

Or:  Sometimes, the match doesn't work out. 

 

 

Cleora Sitting Duck

Agreement delete province:  she and her province might die, but it would die
as a fighting duck, not a cringing chicken.

Try:  she might die, but she would die as a fighting duck, not a cringing
chicken.

 

Punctuation:  As the sun was setting, buzzing, warrior shaped forms with
glowing eyes were moving toward the advancing enemy army. 

Try:  As the sun was setting, buzzing warrior-shaped forms with glowing eyes
were moving toward the advancing enemy.

 

Use numbers 10 and up:  fifty thousand

Try:  50,000 

 

Tense and redundancy:  They had simply ran away on foot.

Try:  They ran away.

 

Where else?:  placed one hand around her neck close to her head

 

Reword:  He's my eyes."

Try:  He sees for me."

 

Simplify:  Sitting looked up at him.

Try:  Sitting looked at him.

 

Reword:  I noticed you walking back

Try:  I noticed you're walking back

 

Need opening quote:  Regis put her down. The crystal ball message

Try:  Regis put her down. "The crystal ball message

 

Spell out?:  That means you have a msg."

Try:  That means you have a message."

 

Love this name!:  Sir Regis Rumble Belly, of The Flatulent Legion

 

Doing better with line breaks between dialogue but you don't always insert a
blank line.

 

 

Leonard Poems

Avoid really truly:  do they really truly know?

Try:  do they sense and feel and know?

 

Consider rewording:  as if to keep their secrets? 

Try:  Are they keeping secrets? 

 

I like the long version and #2

 

Sally Poem

Gut-wrenching

I find myself jealous.Hang on to the good memeories of your long loving
relationships with dog and man

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