[Critique Group 1] Leonard's comments re: Cleora

[tuchyner5 at aol.com]

I am enjoying the story. It is clever and engaging.

 

The piece needs to be simplified and shortened, or broken into other chapters.  There are too many names of too many kingdoms, with too many complex relationships Most of the names of characters and places (or realms) are funny and clever, but they are all piled up in one chapter.  These issues are most evident toward the end of the chapter.

 

There are still places where quotes need to be given their own paragraphs.

 

The story so far. Sitting duck, a visually impaired duck who has trouble finding food because of her poor eyesight, was abandoned by the rest of the flock when she couldn’t keep up on their flight south for the winter. While trying to make the journey on foot, Sitting runs across a grasshopper with a broken hopping leg. The grasshopper offers to help her in exchange for her not eating him. They are making splendid progress when they come upon a crystal pond with a crumbling castle beside it. They soon learn that they have stumbled into a magical land very different from the one they are used to. The land has a serious problem, and Sitting finds herself in the position of having to solve the problem, or become a dead duck. 2198 words The Legend of Sly Duck By Sly Duck Part Three: A Clever Duck Back at the castle, the katydids were filling the air with the sound of their strident mating calls. Sitting padded out into the middle of the pond. If it was going to end now, she wanted to be in her natural habitat. "What's wrong?" ask the lead fish in the pond. "Oh, friend fish, it's all over. I went to the meeting at the monarch's castle. Not only is a big kingdom trying to destroy us, all the other rulers want to eat me. Then, they elected me monarch, saying if I was destroyed, it would be no loss since I'm useless anyway. They are right. I am useless. I will not even have time to try to do anything. There is a three-headed dragon headed our way in addition to the army that was on its way when I left for the meeting. What did I ever do to get myself into this mess?" "Do not worry," said the fish leader, "With your permission, I and my subjects will take care of the dragon." Sitting Duck's eyes grew wider. "Can you really do that?" "Of course." She remembered what the troll had said in the meeting about it being better to die fighting. She took a deep breath. Well, that is what she would do. she and her province might die, but it would die as a fighting duck, not a cringing chicken. "You have my permission." Sitting hurried to the edge of the pond, stepped up onto the bank, and ran to the castle tower where the bees were. "Queen Bee." "My liege," said the queen bee, "how may we serve you?" "Here is what I'd like you and the fireflies to do..." Grasshopper listened to the instructions Sitting gave her small army of bees and fireflies. "I have an idea," he said, and whispered in her ear. She nodded. Sitting went out to the pond again. Standing below the trees, she called out, "Hello." "Hello," came a reply from high in the tree. "Can you and your swarm mimic the sound of an army traveling across country?" "Of course." Sitting explained her plan to the chief Katydid. As the sun was setting, buzzing, warrior shaped forms with glowing eyes were moving toward the advancing enemy army. A deafening rattle that sounded like a mighty army was moving

You need to define which army you are referring to.

 

along with them. Sitting went to the command center on the second floor of the castle to tune into the enemy camp with her crystal ball

 

 

. She watched a frantic warrior run into the command tent. He almost lost his head for not announcing himself first. "Sir, they are coming. A mighty army from the Crystal Pond. They are fifty feet tall with glowing eyes. From the sound, there must be fifty thousand of them. We are doomed. Half of our army has already deserted. I am right behind them.

 

I get how the illusion of  the giant worriors were produced by the Katydids, but you haven’t explained it.

 

only to report what was happening." With that, he ducked out of the tent and was

 

gone. Panning back, the crystal ball showed empty Tents, scattered provisions, and abandoned armory; they had not even taken their horses. They had simply ran away on foot. As she watched, her army of bees, fireflies, and katydids began to gather up the spoils of the battle and bring them back with them

How were these bugs going to carry back spoils?

 

. As the sun began to rise, Back at the

castle, the three headed dragon was just coming into view. The fish swam in a circle until they created a hurricane which the dragon flew into and was pulled down into the pond where it drowned.

 

Sitting stood on the pond bank and lowered her head so Grasshopper could see. "A little lower," said Grasshopper. She lowered her head a little more. "The water is muddy, but I can just see the form of the dragon laying on the bottom. Some of the silt has settled on it." "Is it dead?" The lead fish stuck her head up out of the water, "Quite dead," she confirmed. There was a flapping of wings, and everyone looked up. Above them was a fairy and a bat. "It's Sir Dark Merlin," said Grasshopper. The bat began to change form. "And, Sir Regis Rumble Belly. " Remembering Sir Regis wanted to drink her blood, she whirled around and began to run toward the castle. "Quack, quack, help queen bee, quack, quack, help." Sir Regis took two quick steps and placed one hand around her neck close to her head so she couldn't bite him, and the other arm around her body. She squirmed and fought with all her might, but he held her fast. The queen bee and some of her subjects arrived quickly, but stopped in front of Sir Regis. Dark merlin was holding Grasshopper who was doing his best to get free. "Don't just hang there, help me!" squawked Sitting. "It's ok," said the queen bee. "Sir Regis is a friend. He and the Hound of War fought side-by-side in many wars in defense of our kingdom." "He wants to drink my blood," "No, no," said Sir Regis. "I..that is...we are so sorry we frightened you. We didn't realize that you are new to this world. We were just...well...it doesn't really matter. The point is that all of us have been new sometime. We are here to help you." Did you get the supplies we sent?" asked Dark Merlin. "I don't know," said Sitting. "I've been a little busy." "I see you have," said Dark Merlin, hovering over the pond. "Everyone is quite impressed with the way you handled the enemy army, and they will be even more impressed by the way you took care of the dragon," said Regis. She watched as Dark Merlin flew over to them. He was still holding Grasshopper firmly. He pulled out a small stick and pointed it at Grasshopper. Sitting struggled harder; She reached for Regis' nose with her bill; he moved his head away, but continued to hold her fast. "Don't kill him! Don't kill him! Please, he's my friend. He's my eyes." The end of the stick began to sparkle; a ball of blue light appeared around the wiggling Grasshopper who stopped moving. Sitting stopped struggling, and lowered her head, sure that her friend was dead. "Hey, my leg is healed," said Grasshopper. Sitting looked up at him. Dark Merlin flew closer and pointed the stick at her. Sitting felt something appear on her head, and a strap fasten itself under the bottom of her head. "I made this bonnet of sorts for your grasshopper to ride in. I noticed you walking back to your province. This should let your grasshopper ride with you while you fly. Also, when the shield is down, it will make both of you invisible." Dark Merlin put Grasshopper inside the bonnet on top of her head. "Umh, thank you." "I tried to send you a crystal ball message about the spoils, but I guess you haven't figured that out yet," said Regis . "Um, no, thank you, I guess. I did discover the crystal ball just before leaving for the meeting, so I already knew the army was headed my way. The ball printed the news for me, but I haven't looked at it yet. Um, could you put me down now?" "Oh, sure, sorry." Regis put her down. The crystal ball message, CBM, system works off the crystal ball. If you stroke the base, it will ask you if you want to send a message. Just tell it who you want to send the message to, and it will send it. That's how we communicate with other kingdoms, and with each other. It's faster except when we just want to go visiting. Now, what are we going to do about that dragon. I'll bet that thing has enough blood to satisfy an army, and I would sure like to get it while it is fresh." Sitting fluttered her wings, body, and tail in an effort to straighten her ruffled feathers. "You and the fish can get it out of the pond while I go with Sitting to show her how to use the CBM system and retrieve her messages," said Dark Merlin.

 

The quotation and new paragraph problem.

 

"Dark Merlin, is that because you are dark?" "It's as good a reason as any," said Merlin with a smile. "Is Sitting Duck your real name?" "No. It is just what I was called because I used to sit on the water waiting for my dinner to swim by." "That is good. In this land everyone uses a pseudonym to protect them from someone knowing and using their real name to gain control over them." In the control room, Dark Merlin explained how to use the different devices. "You already know you can see what's going on in this land with the crystal ball. It will give you a print out of the news for the kingdom and recent news on your province since the last time you asked for it. I always get a copy and file it for future reference. It can only go back three days, so it is important to get the news regularly so you don't miss anything, here. You see that the base of the ball is glowing. That means you have a msg." dark Merlin reached over and stroked the base of the ball. "How may I serve you, my liege?" asked the crystal ball. Sitting stared at it not knowing for sure what to do. "Only you can get the message. It is usually best to ask it how many messages. If there is more than one, you may want to ask it who they are from." "How many messages do I have?" asked Sitting. "You have four new messages," replied the

I think you are spending too much time on the e-mail thing.

 

ball. "Who are they from?" "Number one, received yesterday, is from Sir Dragon the troll ruler of Legacy Of Dragons in the kingdom of "Hades Legions". Former king of this kingdom. "Number two, received yesterday, is from Sir Fly the halfling ruler of Farius in the kingdom "Silent Enigma. Number three, received yesterday, is from Sir Regis Rumble Belly, the undead ruler of The Flatulent Legion in the kingdom of Hades Legions. Number four, received 5 hours ago, is from Sir Regis Rumble Belly, the undead ruler of The Flatulent Legion in the kingdom of Hades Legions "Number one is probably the message from our former king telling you about the meeting. You may want to wait until you are alone to read message two. It is from the kingdom we are at war with," Dark Merlin said quickly. Sitting considered this; looking up at Merlin, she nodded. Then looking back at the ball, "Read number three." On May 1, YR2 we received this message... "Welcome to the kingdom of Hades Legions in the Land of Legends. I am sending you some bottles of Fire Wine, crates of vegetables, and other food stuffs captured in a recent battle. As an undead, I cannot use these items." Signed, Sir Regis Rumble Belly, of The Flatulent Legion. Sitting looked up at Merlin who was grinning at her, and then back at the crystal ball." "Read number four." On May 7, YR2 we received this message... "I saw your victory over the enemy army in my crystal news. You are indeed a clever duck. Signed, Sir Regis Rumble Belly, of The Flatulent Legion. "May first? May seventh? I haven't been here that long have I?" "We record time differently in the Land of Legends, than in the world you are from. Here, an hour in is a day, and 24 hours is a month. There are seven months in a year. That makes it easier to catalog everything." Sitting looked up at Merlin and blinked several times. This world became stranger with each passing moment. She wondered if a moment was an hour or something, but she didn't dare ask." I don't remember seeing that before," said Sitting pointing to a blinking globe sitting on a table behind the crystal ball. "You only have one of those if you are the monarch. It is a globe of Legendary Lands. The blinking area shows that we have an offer of peace pending with the kingdom of "Silent Enigma." It is blinking red showing we are now at war with them. The blue areas show kingdoms we have peace agreements with. When there is heavy fighting going on between our kingdom and another, the other kingdom will blink yellow. As fighting increases, it will blink orange. That is why the problem kingdom was blinking yellow then orange before. This is to alert you as monarch, that there may be a problem brewing so you can try to head off a war with another kingdom. Unfortunately, we and the kingdom of Silent Enigma, the kingdom that has been threatening us, are red. That means we are now officially at war. " "Quack!" Sitting felt overwhelmed by the sudden realization of the speed at which things were progressing. How would she ever learn everything she would

 

There are too many characters and too many kingdoms to keep track of. for the duck and this human

 

need to know to handle a situation in which two former experienced monarchs had failed.

 
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