[Critique Group 1] Marcia's comments for April

[Marcia Wick]

Leonard

 

Not such good days for the women and slaves

 

I was Not sure if it's was a parady on the good old days"

 

Cleora

 

Add detail for setting:  an excavation site one day

Try:  an archaeological dig under the hot sun in Egypt.(for example)

 

Extra space between took and it:  I took  it

 

Cute idea - is it a poem?

 

Deanna

 

(more comments because your pieces are longer!)

 

Style use numbers above nine:  ten by fifty-five

Try:  10 by 55

 

Punctuation:  He moved in and as wedding gifts arrived, they went into daily
use. 

Try:  He moved in, and  as wedding gifts arrived, they went into daily use. 

 

Hyphenate:  home to be

Try:  home-to-be

 

Hyphenate:  eight place settings of dishes

Try:  eight-place set of dishes

 

Reword "Saturday" (used twice):  waiting for my Saturday visit

Try:  waiting for my weekend visit

 

Delete "on":  On the first evening,

Try:  The first evening,

 

Delete dash:  figure-out 

Try:  figure out 

 

Redundant:  meant that it presaged

Try:  presaged

 

Typo:  sigh,s

Try:  sighs,

 

Insert comma:  When I asked how old he thought I was he guessed seventeen. 

Try:  When I asked how old he thought I was, he guessed seventeen. 

 

???:  Although reasonably bright, I wasn't a child genius so must be older
than he thought. 

Not sure what you are trying to say here.

 

Reword "some":  I started to do some  babysitting for some of them

Try:  I started babysitting for some of them

 

Hyphenate:  four year old

Try:  four-year-old

 

When you assemble all the chapters, look for a way to "lead" readers from
the end of one chapter to the beginning of the next.

 

 

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