[Critique Group 1] Marcia's comments

[Marcia Wick]

Leonard The Parachute

I like the alliteration:  worn and warmed beneath my shoeless soles

difficult word:  umbilicaled

word meaning:  sunders (I forgot to ask about that one on the call)

Having jumped with a parachute once myself, I thought your descriptions were
real, and the underlying references to birth added intrigue. I enjoyed this
piece.

 

Cleora - Predictable

I thought this piece flowed smoothly with good transitions, one of the best
stories of yours that I have read.

Reword:  He found and opened the jewelry box that he knew would contain one
of her diamond bracelets she was planning to wear to tonight's fund raiser.

Try:  He found and opened the jewelry box that he knew contained one of the
diamond bracelets she was planning to wear to that night's fund raiser.

Substitute more common word for pavestone (flagstone):  a loose pavestone he
had found in the border around the flower garden at the park.

Reword:  the door to the bathroom.

Try:  the bathroom door.

Agreement of clauses separated by semicolon:  She was dressed in her dull
brown corduroy housecoat; her right hand resting in its only pocket.

Try:  She was dressed in her dull brown corduroy housecoat; her right hand
rested in its only pocket.

Add comma:  He smiled wryly as her eyes grew large her mouth dropped open in
surprise, and her hand dropped back into her pocket.

Try:  He smiled wryly as her eyes grew large, her mouth dropped open in
surprise, and her hand dropped back into her pocket.

Preposition?:  She was holding a small pistil in both hands. (one in each
hand?)

Try:  She was holding a small pistil with both hands.

Reword:  "Freeze," said the officer who was pointing his service revolver at
John.

Try:  "Freeze," said the officer, pointing his service revolver at John.

 

Deanna - College Co-ed

Delete "all":  All freshmen were required to live in the dormitory, unless

Try:  Freshmen were required to live in the dormitory, unless

Reword:  it was decided that rooming with a large dog might be too crowded
for anyone to share the room with us.

Try:  it was decided that rooming with a large dog might crowd  anyone
sharing the room with us.

Reword:  It was connected through an adjacent bathroom that held a shower
and an enclosed toilet to the room next door. 

Try:  It was connected to the room next door  through an adjacent bathroom
that held a shower and an enclosed toilet.

Duplicate word:  The freshmen started off on a bus the next morning to
attend a freshman get acquainted camp

Try:  The freshmen started off on a bus the next morning to attend a get
acquainted camp

Or:  The freshmen started off on a bus the next morning to attend a get
acquainted camp for new students.

Agreement:  one of the other girls' mothers

Try:  one of the other girl's mother

Reword:  It is often difficult for the general public to understand the
insistence guide dog handlers must make that their dogs not be spoken too,
petted or fed by everyone. 

Try:  It is often difficult for the general public to understand why guide
dog handlers must insist that their dogs not be spoken too, petted or fed by
everyone. 

Reword more active:  I was still finding it difficult to manage on my
sprained ankle received when Tammy bounded down the stairs

Try:  I was still finding it difficult to manage on the sprained ankle I
suffered when Tammy bounded down the stairs

Insert comma:  Sandy and Virginia, the two girls from the room next to mine
asked

Try:  Sandy and Virginia, the two girls from the room next to mine, asked

Transition:    I put up a one foot Christmas tree in my dorm room and
discovered that my do

Try:   At Christmastime, I put up a one foot tree in my dorm room and
discovered that my 

 

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