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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link="#0563C1" vlink="#954F72"><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal>Leonard The Parachute<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>I like the alliteration: <span style='color:black'>worn and warmed beneath my shoeless soles</span><o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>difficult word: <span style='color:black'>umbilicaled<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>word meaning: <span style='color:black'>sunders (I forgot to ask about that one on the call)<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'>Having jumped with a parachute once myself, I thought your descriptions were real, and the underlying references to birth added intrigue. I enjoyed this piece.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='color:black'><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Cleora – Predictable<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>I thought this piece flowed smoothly with good transitions, one of the best stories of yours that I have read.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: He found and opened the jewelry box that he knew would contain one of her diamond bracelets she was planning to wear to tonight’s fund raiser.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: He found and opened the jewelry box that he knew contained one of the diamond bracelets she was planning to wear to that night’s fund raiser.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Substitute more common word for pavestone (flagstone): a loose pavestone he had found in the border around the flower garden at the park.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: the door to the bathroom.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: the bathroom door.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Agreement of clauses separated by semicolon: She was dressed in her dull brown corduroy housecoat; her right hand resting in its only pocket.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: She was dressed in her dull brown corduroy housecoat; her right hand rested in its only pocket.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Add comma: He smiled wryly as her eyes grew large her mouth dropped open in surprise, and her hand dropped back into her pocket.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: He smiled wryly as her eyes grew large, her mouth dropped open in surprise, and her hand dropped back into her pocket.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Preposition?: She was holding a small pistil in both hands. (one in each hand?)<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Try: She was holding a small pistil with both hands.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Reword: "Freeze," said the officer who was pointing his service revolver at John.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Try: "Freeze," said the officer, pointing his service revolver at John.<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p><p class=MsoPlainText>Deanna – College Co-ed<o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal>Delete “all”: <span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:106%'>All freshmen were required to live in the dormitory, unless</span><o:p></o:p></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:106%'>Try: Freshmen were required to live in the dormitory, unless<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: <span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:106%'>it was decided that rooming with a large dog might be too crowded for anyone to share the room with us.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:106%'>Try: it was decided that rooming with a large dog might crowd anyone sharing the room with us.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: <span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:106%'>It was connected through an adjacent bathroom that held a shower and an enclosed toilet to the room next door. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:106%'>Try: It was connected to the room next door through an adjacent bathroom that held a shower and an enclosed toilet.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Duplicate word: <span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:106%'>The freshmen started off on a bus the next morning to attend a freshman get acquainted camp<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:106%'>Try: The freshmen started off on a bus the next morning to attend a get acquainted camp<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:106%'>Or: The freshmen started off on a bus the next morning to attend a get acquainted camp for new students…<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Agreement: <span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:106%'>one of the other girls' mothers<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:106%'>Try: one of the other girl’s mother<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword: <span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:106%'>It is often difficult for the general public to understand the insistence guide dog handlers must make that their dogs not be spoken too, petted or fed by everyone. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:106%'>Try: It is often difficult for the general public to understand why guide dog handlers must insist that their dogs not be spoken too, petted or fed by everyone. <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Reword more active: <span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:106%'>I was still finding it difficult to manage on my sprained ankle received when Tammy bounded down the stairs<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:106%'>Try: I was still finding it difficult to manage on the sprained ankle I suffered when Tammy bounded down the stairs<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal>Insert comma: <span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:106%'>Sandy and Virginia, the two girls from the room next to mine asked<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:106%'>Try: Sandy and Virginia, the two girls from the room next to mine, asked<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;line-height:200%'>Transition: <span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'> I put up a one foot Christmas tree in my dorm room and discovered that my do<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-left:.5in;text-align:justify;line-height:200%'><span style='font-size:12.0pt;line-height:200%'>Try: At Christmastime, I put up a one foot tree in my dorm room and discovered that my <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoPlainText><o:p> </o:p></p></div></body></html>