[Critique Group 1] cleora's comments for 9/27/17 session

[sitting.duck at springmail.com]

[comments for Leonard
I have never been on the boardwalk, but I have seen parachute rides at some fairs I have been to.
I think this line is awkward
our lungs repressed hold our breaths,
maybe
our lungs repressed, we hold our breaths,
at first we are looking up as parachutes rise, then several lines down we are the ones strapped in the seats.
I was also troubled by the unbelical reference
after that it becomes confusing, and I'm unable to follow what it is saying until the last few lines.
It took several reads for me to decide you were in a group of people and the parachutes you see rising were other people in the same ride.
I have seen parachute rides where several parachutes are raised into the air and then released and I think this is maybe what you are talking about, but  I never actually rode one and so I think maybe there is information missing that would help the reader understand what is going on.

[comments for Marsha
A piece that reaches the heart.
I was not expecting the twist at the end. Nice touch.

[comments for Deanna
I think the comment about making a mistake by letting people pet and fuss over Tammy should be closer to the problems caused by letting this happen.
I have to wonder if you had in forced the hands off policy from the start if the other students would have been as accepting of you.
I love the pranks you played with the ringing phone. This shows a human side but also your compassion in trying to get the message to the right people in spite of the annoyance.
I wonder if you could have just shouted down the hall who it was for and if no one came ask the caller if you could take a message I think that is what they did in my friends dorm.
I became a little bored with it as it went on and on and on. 
Then it picked up again with the football episode. You might consider trimming out some of the information or changing the passive verbs into active.
I don't really think there is too much information here, I think rewording the passive verbs to make it more active would make it read better.
I can really see how special a dog Tammy was and I'm glad the people at the college greeted you as a fellow student .
I love the ending. I can just see Tammy picking out her new toy, then proudly taking it to the checkout counter, standing on her hind legs,  and placing her prize on the conveyer belt. I can also imagine the looks of other customers and the store employees as this happens. I have had service dogs pick up things for me and they are always very wet with dog slobber. yuck I wondered about this when you talked about putting the rejects back.
You end with showing how you grew and learned some new things with regard to handling this energetic and lovable service dog that at times must have made you want to pull your hair out and other times want to hug her.