[Critique Group 1] my comments for the 1/18/17 session

[sitting.duck at springmail.com]

sorry this is late. It has been a challenging few days.

comments for  Marilyn:
Line one would be a good place to give the name of each person so readers who don't know your family will know who is doing what.
At first I thought rifles should be singular. Then I noticed there is an exclamation point after shots. I think it would be better as one sentence.
Suddenly, gun shots rifle through our heads.
Is through a verb?
When I read through the second time I realized the rifle shots were the crackle of the electrical in the basement when the lightning struck.
You give a clue here with the smell of electrical.
I like the lines "two computers were in intensive care"
and "six caller ID units never said another word"
You start out letting the reader know what it's about.
You finish with a reminder that the time to think about what to take and how to proceed should be thought out ahead of time.
You do a good job of conveying the confusion and lack of preparedness.
Might add a suggestion about what to do about things that are used every day that would need to be grabbed along with the bag. Maybe a list somewhere?
<>end comments for Marilyn Smith 

comments for Bonnie: I used to listen to Paul Harvy when I lived in Lubbock. I don't remember him mentioning his wife. I'm sorry I missed that. Your right, it is rare to hear about long lasting happy marriages.  Thanks for sharing that.
thought he had also passed. would be a nice addition but I don't think is necessary

[comments for Mary-Jo Lord 
I think there should be a comma after As I sleep 
I was totally lost the first time I read it.
Part of my confusion was I wasn't sure when it started or what was the name.
The second time I chuckled as I read it and understood more what it was about.
You said in the session you didn't like the title either. I didn't have any suggestions at that time, but what about fading or fleeting thoughts?

<>end comments for Mary-Jo Lord 
[comments for  DeAnna Noriega
my first thought was to leave out the line
Because there is a thunderstorm brewing.
but, as I read through it you gave reasons for everything else
The line just seems awkward to me.
maybe there could be another reason?
windows forcing an update is what usually happens to me.
What about changing the title to something like My Pal or the dog's name
I would give that dog a big hug and a favorite treat.


cleora