[Critique Group 1] Marilyn's critiques for January 18 session

[Marilyn Smith]

Bonnie:

This piece was timely when written, but of course it doesn't sound that 
way now. You need to give the date when she actually died. I would say, 
"The Harveys' marriage was one" instead of "had one" without referencing 
marriage. Since it has been so long (2008) since this was an issue, I 
would update this piece to use it again by including his death. It can't 
carry the same dramatic compassion for readers and for his grief in this 
format. As a remembrance for readers, it could strike a familiar chord 
they may have forgotten, and that means a lot to you even today.

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Mary-Jo:

Strange title! I'd like to see something more mysterious. I can never 
remember actually creating the piece in my sleep, but I can certainly 
remember struggling the next day to bring up that series of thoughts or 
lines that would have made such a good poem, memoir, or argument. For a 
minute there, I thought you meant you were going home to dictionary.com 
after appointments, the cafeteria, etc., but Jay says you meant the 
words going back home to dictionary.com.

Take-home message, as Margo always said, write it down when you get up, 
but of course sometimes you don't have time.

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Cleora:

This piece could never be done in fifty-three words. In fact, you could 
even increase the family dialogue and excitement. There could be a 
little afterthought about whether people who lived there after you left 
wondered about that groove in the ceiling.

The negative feelings about Christmases past sets a bad tone. Even if 
you didn't like childhood Christmases and never changed your mind except 
for this one, you don't need to show that in this story if you want to 
focus on holiday positive experiences. I'd drop all that initial 
analysis, and start about your dad always bringing home a last-minute 
Christmas tree. Don't destroy the warmth with negativity, at least if 
you want to get it published.

The stuff from School is good. Give us more of the laughter and the 
efforts to get the tree inside and decorate it as well as you did. This 
story has lots of potential.

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DeAnna:

What a nice thank you to a companion, guide dog, and friend. It is 
humorous and affectionate without being sappy.