[Critique Group 1] Mary-Jo's comments

[Mary-Jo Lord]

Hi,

 

Here are my comments from Wednesday night's critique session.

 

 

# The Groove In the Ceiling

Cleora

 

I like the description of how you really didn't like Christmas and how every
year, there was a rush to get the tree, put it up and get the gifts. Then it
was all over. The contrast between the lonely Christmases with just you and
your dad to when your brother and family move back in along with receiving
the tree from the school was strong. I like the description of the tree: how
it smelled, and how you mixed new ornaments with home-made ones along with
the skirt that looked like snow.

 

If this were my piece, I'd include more about your dad and the men moving
the tree into the house and have them talk about how that line in the
ceiling is going to be there forever or something.

 

# She Was His Angel  

Bonnie

 

This is a nice tribute to someone who became a part of the lives of
listeners through another person. If you were to publish this story, you
would need to do some revision since it has been several years since Angel's
death and the death of Paul Harvey. Maybe you could write the piece as a
looking back on the show story. You could still keep the focus on Angel, the
evenings and dinners. Maybe you could talk about how the loss of the daily
mention of Angel affected you as a listener or how Paul handled her absence
from his life on the show. Of course, You would want to mention his death
also.

 

# Where There's Smoke

Marilyn

 

I can tell that you have revised this article several times. It has just
enough suspense and tension to keep the reader interested, while providing
good information.

 

I like the way that you set the scene at the beginning with telling what
everyone in the house was doing. 

 

Suddenly, gunshots! Rifles through our heads-- then the thunder. "What in
the world?"

 

I like the sense of surprise of fear that this creates. The dialogue and
action that follows adds to the sense of danger and urgency.

 

This is a good article to raise awareness about planning for home
emergencies. We should all have a "go bag."

 

My favorite line is,

Six talking Caller-ID units never said another word.

 

## When Everything Else Goes Wrong

Deanna

 

I like all of the examples of things that go wrong in everyday life balanced
by a dog's constant reminder of love and the need to relax. All of the
situations that you bring up: appointments at inconvenient times, devices
that break, the smell of a wet dog and so on.

 

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