[Critique Group 1] Mary-Jo's Comments for November

[Mary-Jo Lord]

Hi,\

 

Deanna's post reminded me that I haven't sent my comments.

 

Here they are and happy holidays.

 

November 29 comments

 

## D'Jonna And The Road Monster 

 Cleora

 

This story definitely kept my interest.

 

You might want to work on some name variety. You have a lot of names that
sound or are the same: D'Jonna, John, Jack, a nickname for John, and later
in the story the sighted man is also John.

 

Why couldn't she hear the marker? I should have come to the other corner by
now.

The story is written in the third person, and this sentence is in the first
person. I suggest changing "I" to she.

 

You might want to remove some of the turning and walking down hallways.

 

Was the object on the table a type writer?

It would be interesting to know how D'Jonna   and John were going to stay in
contact. Maybe that comes up in another chapter?

 

## Dark and Lonely Times

Deanna

 

This is a well written and interesting chapter. It demonstrates the
emotional bond of a working team. I like the descriptions of Annie's mother.
Were laws different in the 60s? you might want to explain that. Today, an
18-year-old is an adult.

 

## Buddy

 

Marcia

I was a waitress at an ice cream parlor the summer after my senior year ,  

There is a space before the comma.

 

I like stupidest for the context of the story. If you are worried about the
correctness of word usage, you could try most stupid or more stupid.

 

Girls in a group are so typical. They gang up on the outsider, demanding to
know what she is doing with someone else's guy, and when she says she isn't
really with him, they turn on her. She can't win.

 

It sounds like buddy had a sense that you were lost and when you were sure
of where you were going, he headed for home.

 

I like the ending with you seeing the silhouette   of a dog when you closed
your eyes.

 

This was an enjoyable story and I think we have all been at parties where we
didn't feel comfortable as kids.

 

## SallyLoving Laurence: October 2017

Sally

 

I like that the piece begins with background on why you chose to begin a
journal in October, and by filling the reader in on your history.

 

but my polio survivor  husband Sandy,  

Maybe, but my husband Sandy, a polio survivor    

 

I like the way that you demonstrate the ways that you, your husband, and
your service dogs are a part of the community. You also demonstrate problem
solving skills and show how a dog guide user and a dog guide are
contributing members of the community.

 

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