[Critique Group 1] Marilyn's Critiques

[Marilyn Smith]

DeAnna:


I can't believe you wrote this when you were thirteen. I couldn't have 
done anything that well. I like the way you show the understanding that 
internal and external factors urge us to test our limits, and that we do 
know that we have limits. Love the running image, and the avoidance of 
"to be" verbs which would make it much less poetic. There is a sense of 
understanding of the difference between fulfilling our pleasure and 
meeting our obligations.


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Kate:


The title freaked me out. I forgot to say that on the call. Since this 
is part of an ongoing story, it serves its own purpose, and doesn't have 
to have conflict. Everyone who read the previous chapters would know who 
these people are, and what their interactions mean. I've been to 
Williamsburg, and it rang lots of familiar bells for me. Too bad you 
couldn't dream up a tale where they went through the maze, and involve 
the dog in that part of the story. You could probably make this a longer 
segment with descriptions of more places, and what the kids said and 
did, to see them come alive with history.


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Cleora:


I thought the piece was a little too long. Sometimes humor is better 
appreciated in a shorter length. There was a little too much blaming 
other people and blaming blindness, which made it seem a little like a 
pity party that was trying to be humorous. It was funny once I got used 
to the approach you were taking.


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Terri:


I liked this version better than the other two I'd seen on the list. You 
recaptured some of the poetic nuances that were missing in the short 
version. If this is a sequence from night to morning, the butterfly 
image seems out of place at night. Maybe fireflies?


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Mary-Jo:


I love the way we caught the feeling of the tween. I'd love to see it 
written with more dialogue references in the jargon of the day. I don't 
know how exactly you would accomplish that. Maybe you could do a 
flashback or a flash forward so we get both the adult you and the 
twelve-year-old you. Did that awakening serve you better so you didn't 
expect the world to change when you became a teenager? I remember 
thinking how cool that would be, then finding out I was still me.