[Critique Group 1] Kate's comments Sept14

Fri Sep 16 09:41:36 EDT 2016

Critique1sept14comments
(listed in order received) 

by Marilyn Brandt Smith
`Instead of ***, perhaps use time/date  stamp, as if it were a log,
journal, or diary
` Are the shop names in bold or somehow delineated? 
` Would you want to name Tricia’s school, as schools are big business,
too?
` You did a good job of using the different pov  and identifying the
speaker to avoid   confusion.

You Got Eyeballs In There?
by Kate Chamberlin

blind attention deficit disorder
by C. S. Boyd
` Might go well in a Pantoum or rap format, as this is a  fast paced
piece.
(from the Spring/Summer 2013 edition of
Magnets and Ladders E-Mag)
What is a pantoum, nonfiction
by Mary-Jo Lord
It's not a savory dessert, a stylish skirt, or an exotic vacation spot.
The
Pantoum is a poetic form using repeated lines that originated in Malaysia
during the fifteenth century. It consists of four stanzas, each
containing
four lines in a proscribed pattern. Although older pantoums rhymed,
modern
ones typically do not.
The line pattern for the first three stanzas is always the same. You
begin
the first stanza with four lines. The second stanza begins with the
second
line from the first stanza, followed by a new line, followed by the
fourth
line from the first stanza, and ending with a new line. 

The third stanza
follows this pattern of taking the second line from the stanza above,
followed by a new line, and so on. 

Lines can vary slightly in wording and
punctuation, to avoid monotony and to fit the context of the poem. You
can
extend the poem for as many stanzas as you choose following the same
pattern as the first three stanzas. Here is the way the poem is laid out.
Stanza 1: Lines 1, 2, 3, 4.
Stanza two: Lines 2, 5, 4, 6.
Stanza three: Lines 5, 7, 6, 8.
The fourth or last stanza are all repeated lines and you have the choice
of
two line patterns. The most popular pattern is: Lines 7, 3, 8, 1. You can
also choose to end with lines 7, 1, 8, 3 if you want your pantoum to be
symmetrical.
Here is a pantoum using the 7, 3, 8, 1 last stanza pattern.
Bondage
I hate pantyhose.
They cling in the summer, provide no warmth in the winter.
Emphasize every imperfection.
When I'm in a rush, they run.
They cling in the summer, provide no warmth in the winter.
Control top, leg shaping.
When I'm in a rush, they run.
Men think they are sexy.
Control top, leg shaping.
I long to be free of their bondage.
Men think they are sexy.
You know they do.
I long to be free of their bondage.
They emphasize every imperfection.
You know they do.
I hate pantyhose.
Here is one using the 7, 1, 8, 3 ending pattern.
Phone Solicited
"Would you like to buy a subscription to our newspaper?"
"no thank you. We're blind and cannot read it."
"But if you subscribe now you will get the first six weeks for free.
You are really missing out."
"No thank you. We're blind and cannot read it."
"Do you run into each other and bump into things?
You are really missing out."
"I beg your pardon! What did you just say?"
"Do you run into each other and bump into things?"
"No. Do you?"
"I beg your pardon! What did you just say?"
"Do you have a supervisor?"
"No, do you?
Would you like to buy a subscription to our newspaper?"
"I want to talk to your supervisor."
"If you subscribe now you will get the first six weeks for free."
Here are some websites where you can read more about the pantoum along
with
many examples.
http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/5786
http://www.poetrysoup.com/poems/Pantoum

On When I Write a Pantoum
by Lynda McKinney Lambert
I ask, “Would you like to learn a new way to CREATE  a poem?”
You say, “Sure, I love a challenge, let’s go!”
And, so, I begin to speak about where we can begin.
Lets think for a moment about a  FAVORITE WORD . We all have words we
particularly like, and some we don’t like so much!
I’ve selected a favorite word, and you do it too!  My favorite word is 
“hirsch” and that word in German means “deer.”  What is your favorite
word?
Let’s see what we can create with our favorite word, and let’s write a
PANTOUM with that word in it!
***
“What is a Pantoum?
The Pantoum  as we know it today, is a verse form that originated in
nineteenth  century France.  It was influenced by the earlier Malayan
Pantoum verse form. 
 Your PANTOUM will consist of a series of  4 lines, known as quatrains.
The first two lines of each quatrain present an image or an illusion. 
The second two lines of each quatrain convey the theme and meaning and
may not necessarily have an obvious connection with the first two lines.
This is something that  will bring pure magic to your quatrain and set
the tone of the entire poem when you keep these two ideas in mind as you
begin your poem.
HOW to GET STARTED on your Pantoum Poem?
I like this form because it repeats everything twice. This gives the poem
a feeling of the passage of time; it slows down the pace and gives the
sense that there is some “breathing space” when it is read. . Breath is
an important consideration in your poems.  Try to write in a way that
gives the reader a pause.  The Pantoum will do this due to its continuous
repetition.  
This form is cyclical rather than linear.  It’s the perfect form for
themes such as Nature, the recurring seasons, history, mythology, and
reflection on memories. 
***
Here’s the basic overview of the Pantoum:
 One_Choose a theme that will work with the repetition of the form.
Two_ Group the lines into quatrains (4-line stanzas)
Three_The final line of the LAST  QUATRAIN  in the  Pantoum  will be the
SAME  as the FIRST LINE  in the first quatrain. That means, think
carefully about your first line, because it will be the final image or
thought  on which your poem ends.
Four_The poem may have any number of quatrains.
this gives you ample opportunities to write your story.
Five_Lines can be any length.
Six_The Pantoum can rhyme or not. I prefer for my poems to NOT rhyme
because I don’t want to limit  the possibilities or force restrictions on
the imagery. I have a personal aversion to poems that thyme unless they
were written at an earlier time when it was common  or customary to do
it. 
If you choose to rhyme the Pantoum, it will be “a, b, a, b”in each
quatrain.
***
How to Write the Form?
1_Write a four line quatrain following the advice I have given above.
It might help if you put a number at the beginning of each line, for your
own use, to keep them in order. You can take the numbers away when you
have finished the poem. I use a number  and that gives me a grid, or
structure on which I can develop my poem without becoming confused. I
think of that number as a road map. You have now written lines 1, 2, 3,
and 4 of your first quatrain.
2_For the 2ndquatrain:
Lines 2 and 4 of the first quatrain will become lines 1 and 3 in the
second quatrain. Then, write lines 1 and 3 of this quatrain. There, now
you have your second quatrain already. Isn’t this fun? (If you are
numbering the lines, they will look like this:  
Here is the pattern for your first quatrain:
1, 2, 3, 4,
2, 5, 4, 6
5, 7, 6, 8
7, 9, 8, 10
***
 You will repeat this line pattern and create as many quatrains as you
need for your poem. Your final quatrain will be different, than the
quatrains that precede it. 
How to END your Pantoum?
FINAL QUATRAIN
Line 1:  Repeat line 2 of the quatrain above your FINAL quatrain.
Line 2:  Repeat line 3 of the FIRST quatrain.
Line 3: Repeat Line 4 of the quatrain above the final quatrain.
Line 4:  Repeat Line 1 of the first quatrain. 
(Your Pantoum begins and endswith the same line.
 For this reason, stop before you begin writing the Pantoum and think
carefully how your poem will open in the first line. Is this how you want
your poem to close in the final line?Make sure when you write that first
opening line of your poem that it is powerful enough to be the ending
thought in your poem.
Note: you may find additional combinations for writing the final quatrain
– this is  just one of several ways that it can be arranged. This will
get you started, and you can explore other options later if you want to
continue writing in this form. I find  the PANTOUM to be exciting!
***
Here is my EXAMPLE of a Pantoum.I chose my favorite word, “Hirsch” as the
image I wanted to write about in this poem.
*******
“der Hirsch”
 Aubergine fields reflect the Red Blood Moon.
Throughout, a bracing October night.
Transformed, Yellow Crownbeard’s lemon-flowers
Turned to thorny, dark, violet-brown seed pods.
Throughout a bracing October night
“I sense slight movements near the Willow tree.”
Turned to thorny, dark, violet-brown seed pods.
“Tonight, we watch the sky for celestial clues.”
“I sense slight movements near the Willow tree.”
Listen to swift waters surging downstream
“Tonight, we watch the sky for celestial clues.”
der Hirsch strides silently on damp fall leaves.
Listen to swift waters surging downstream
“Tonight, we watch the sky for celestial clues.”
der Hirsch strides silently on damp leaves
“I long to follow you – Come away my beloved!”
“Tonight, we watch the sky for celestial clues.”
Transformed, Yellow Crownbeard’s lemon-flowers
“I long to follow you – Come away my beloved!”
Aubergine fields reflect the Red Blood Moon.
_____ by Lynda McKinney Lambert_____
Written October 2014
Copyright 2014. All Rights Reserved.
A version of this article first appeared on my blog, "Walking by Inner
Vision.” You can find the original version, with photos, by clicking on
this link:
http://lyndalambert.com/you-can-write-a-pantoum/

` I enjoyed the humor of this piece, although, I acknowledge the
frustration  of it, too.

# MONASTERY, AN ACROSTIC
  by Terri Winaught
` The format that came to my monitor didn’t show any indents for the
lines that wrap.
` Are the initial letters in bold or otherwise high-lighted?
` I like the images your words paint and the feelings they evoke.

No Longer Eleven
By Mary Jo Lord
`…She gave me some new…  Let the reader know the gifts are being opened
at her family birthday party. 
` I think a lot of women could identify with this heart-felt essay. 

#Summer’s Last Ride
By DeAnna Noriega 
` …hurry, hurry… Needs a space
` … A sage strewn land drinking the sun’s spilled gold,…  Wonderful
imagery.
` The different lengths of lines enhance the feel of the hooves and the
urgency to keep going. 

On Fri, 9 Sep 2016 16:43:03 -0400 Tuchyner5--- via Group1
<group1 at bluegrasspals.com> writes:
Hi all,

If you have any questions, please call or write.

Readers’ order Group 1 9/4/16

Deanna
Cleora
Mary Jo
Kate
Marilyn
Terri

Order of pieces to be read by author

Terrie
Deanna
Marilyn
Cleora 
Kate 
Mary Jo

Kate Chamberlin
kathryngc at juno.com
"Dream it. Write it. Read it."
www.katechamberlin.com
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