[Critique Group 1] Marilyn's critiques

[Marilyn Smith]

Marilyn's critiques for critique group 1, session 1, July 27, 2016

Grace, Martha, and The Sleep Shirt Solution, Kate Chamberlin

I love the title, and the night time/dawn adventure and suspense. You 
might consider in the beginning a transition sentence to bring Grace 
from the house to the car door. Martha is so rude that it's hard to like 
her even when she appears to come around at the end. Her parents hardly 
intervene, and seem to go along with her behavior. I wasn't really 
convinced, as Grace seemed to be at the end, that Martha was really a 
friend.

I know she had to wear the macaroni necklace to bed in order to have it 
for the dog. But I can't believe she would have worn it since she didn't 
like it. Could you show her doing something I.E. tucking the necklace 
under her collar, twisting it around, instead of just telling us she 
didn't like it? It was rather funny that Grace offered to make her 
another one before she left.

We need to know the ages of the girls. You indicated during the critique 
that they were five, so the bedtime story is believable. Still, Grace 
and Martha seem too efficient to be that young. In fact, Grace seems too 
perfect to me. She does cane, dog, prep for a guide dog user, Braille 
and print copies she can easily access for her storybooks, talking 
computer, Beep Baseball, and on and on. I think she needs to be a little 
vulnerable so she's believable.

I wish we could see the sleep shirt solution, but of course we can't 
because the suspense has to stay alive for the reader and the parents. 
When they're in the quarry, Grace says the dog is about an arm's length 
beyond her cane. I think Martha should say that because Grace probably 
wouldn't get that close on estimated distance.

You say when the parents had come down for breakfast they saw… I'd make 
them parallel, either they came down for breakfast and saw, or had come 
down for breakfast and had seen. You say that her one front paw and her 
one back paw… You could try one of her front paws and one of her back 
paws. That's just my take.

I like the story, but I'd like to like both girls a little better, and 
I'd like to see Martha's parents a little more involved.

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The Chicken the Egg and Me, C. S. Boyd

You might consider some commas in the title. The word "scrapped" 
appeared where I'm sure you meant "scraped." Gnarled is spelled with a 
g, not a k. I think it would be better to say "relief from the hot air 
outside," not "to the hot air." "Despair crept into my soul" doesn't 
sound like the words from a sixty-pound child. "Fear" or something 
similar might work better.
This is a beautiful story with good description. It feels as if it could 
be a part of a larger story—growing up on a family farm, and perhaps 
more. It's easy to see the growth through this little person's 
experience. She watches or feels the egg harden into what she's always 
known as an egg. When she frightens the rooster away with the simple 
rattle from a grocery bag, she understands that his bravado was mostly 
show. Good memoir.

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Which Breed Is the Best Dog?, DeAnna (Quietwater) Noriega

This is delightful, and true to what I know after having lived with six 
guide dogs. When talking about shepherds' fur, instead of saying "giving 
these names," you might try "finding good bunny names." This makes it a 
little clearer. This might work in a dog magazine or social media spot, 
but it certainly would speak to a guide dog users' group where many have 
tried several breeds, and could nod in agreement or open a discussion 
about disagreement.

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You are the Center of your Self Centered Universe, Mary-Jo Lord

The author has a message to convey, and presents up front, hilariously 
insulting examples of bad behavior. This should be dedicated to a woman 
I know who was recently thrown out of the Philmore voicemail system.

The one-line stanzas and the odd line endings leave me guessing. Is 
there a syllabic or structural pattern I'm missing, or is this simply 
full use of the poet's license to be innovatively creative? I love it!