[Critique Group 1] Mary-Jo Critiques for the First session

[Mary-Jo Lord]

#Grace, Martha, and The Sleep Shirt Solution

 

The story had me hooked from the first paragraph. There is good dialogue
throughout the story.

 

Martha did not call out her guesses. She did not like being beaten at the
game she had suggested.

Maybe the adults could call Martha out for her rudeness?

 

"Well, I can't see anything either,"  Grace snapped. "Now are you going to
help me look for Goldie or not?"

It's good to See Grace challenge Martha back after all of her challenges,
and now that there is a problem to solve.

At this point, Martha has been hard to like, and although Grace doesn't know
it, she is the cause of the problem.

 

"Goldie, come,"  Grace said every few feet and then listened for the
whimpering and the bell.

   They stopped.

   "Martha,"  she said, "what do you see?  Do you see Goldie?" (Maybe you
could leave "she said" out since we know grace is talking.)

   Martha was surprised to find she still had her eyes closed!  She blinked
them open and said, "Oh, gosh, we're right at the edge of the quarry. The
fog isn't too bad here but I don't see Goldie."

   "Lay down on your belly and look over the edge," Grace told her. "It
sounds like we are right next to the sound. Listen. Goldie, come."

   "She's there,"  Martha called from the ground. "She's on a small ledge.
There's blood on her. She sees me. Her tail is wagging like crazy!" 

   "I've heard the grown-ups talk about trails in and out of the quarry,"
Grace said. "Do you see a way down to her?"

   "No,"  Martha said. "No, wait. There is one that stops just above her."

   The girls held hands again and slowly made their way down the old quarry
path until  it stopped short of where the ledge was.

It's good to see the girls work together as a team with Grace as the leader,
and with Martha sharing information, not holding back.

 

The girls were just getting to the top of the old trail, lugging a sack of
something between them.

   Goldie had been too heavy for Grace to push up to Martha, so, they'd put
her in Grace's over-sized sleep shirt. Then, the girls were able to get a
firm hold of the shirt and heft her up the trail.

   Goldie's tail had slipped out the neck-hole and her back legs poked
through the sleeves, but she hadn't fallen out. 

   The Dads stared in awe and amusement. The girls refused their help.
Goldie rode like a queen between her two favorite subjects.

More great problem solving and team work.

 

Once back in the kitchen, Grace's Dad thoroughly checked over Goldie.

   "She has only sprained her paws,"  he said. "I think she must have landed
on the ledge pretty hard. That's why her nose bled, too. She must have cut
her paws when she tried to scramble off the ledge. The string had cut into
her lips when she tried to work it off. I can't imagine how she got that
necklace."

   "She liked it,"  Martha said in a shaking voice. "so I put it around her
neck."  Then, with tears in her eyes, Martha told everyone what had
happened. "I'm sorry, Grace, I didn't mean to hurt Goldie."

Once back in the kitchen, Grace's Dad thoroughly checked over Goldie.

   "She has only sprained her paws,"  he said. "I think she must have landed
on the ledge pretty hard. That's why her nose bled, too. She must have cut
her paws when she tried to scramble off the ledge. The string had cut into
her lips when she tried to work it off. I can't imagine how she got that
necklace."

   "She liked it,"  Martha said in a shaking voice. "so I put it around her
neck."  Then, with tears in her eyes, Martha told everyone what had
happened. "I'm sorry, Grace, I didn't mean to hurt Goldie."

Nice.

 

I think this could be a good learning tool for Elementary school children to
learn about relationship building, problem solving, and courtesy along with
disability awareness. I look forward to the next installment.

 

# Late One Night

 

"Alexa, off." I call, trying to exceed the Amazon Echo's piercing shrieks.
Funny, I don't remember that setting. The headboard beside me is silent.
This isn't my clock, it's the security alarm. Is it fire, burglary, or a
false alarm? I'm upstairs, scantily clad.

 

While I wait for the monitoring station to call, I throw on the clothes I
wore, was it yesterday? No, my watch says it's still Saturday night.

Good depiction of coping with an emergency or something that isn't right
when you aren't fully awake.

 

"Is everything all right?" my new source of survival information asks.

 

"I don't know," I hesitate, "what are you showing?"

 

"Unauthorized entry, front door," she says.

 

"No," I sigh, "you'd better dispatch. Should I go down stairs? I guess I
have to so I can let the police in, don't I? I don't want to go down there,"
I whisper as if she could make things better.

 

I wait five minutes, then unset the alarm so the blaring sirens on both
floors won't disorient me. I'm totally blind. I need to be able to hear if
anything's going on in each room or stairway before entering.

 

I creep softly and uncertainly toward the unknown. The house is silent, only
the ticking of the grandfather clock welcomes me to the foyer. I reach for
the doorknob and deadbolt, but the front door is ajar about six inches. I
stop dead in my tracks, "How does this change things," I wonder, "or does
it? Should I go out and wait on the porch in case someone is still in here?"

I can feel the fear.

 

Out on the porch, I listen for street noise. The police car arrives in
another five minutes. They follow me inside.

 

"No sign of forced entry," he announces.

 

"This is a very large home," she responds.

I'm thinking She is the voice of the home security system, If so, Maybe you
could say the synthesized voice of or voice of our home security system
responded. If it is you that  is responding, change it to I responded.

 

Good description of the exploration of the search of the house and who might
have entered.

 

Good description of the new security system and measures taken.

 

I like the suggestions for the reader at the end.

 

# The Chicken the Egg and Me

 

The sun's rays poured through the three lengthwise panes, its rays swirling
red, green, and orange in the bright yellow cloud of dust thrown into the
air by the flurry of white wings as hens fled to the safety of the rickety
wooden perch along the length of the far wall.  The sickening sweet smell of
chicken droppings and dust rose to assault my nostrils. I waited while a
light blanket of dust settled over the maze of chicken tracks, undiscovered
grain, and chicken droppings.

Good visual descriptions and descriptions of the smells.

 

I can feel the fear of the rooster, and the relief and laughter when he runs
off.

 

I picked up the egg.  It felt warm and sticky in my grasp and, to my
surprise, it yielded to the slight pressure of my fingers like a small bag
of jelly. 

 

"Ugh! How can I put this in the sack? How can I get it to the house without
breaking it?" 

 

As if in answer to my silent questions, the egg dried and hardened in my
grasp.  I ran my fingers over it and found no impressions where my fingers
had been. Brushing away a small amount of dirt I found stuck to the bottom,
I felt the contrast  between grainy sand and smooth shell and marveled at
the complexity of the small fragile object I cradled in my hand.

I love this description of a child's wonder of the change happening right in
her hand.

 

# Which Breed Is the Best Dog?

 

This is Very Cute.

 

Since I didn't see the Facebook post that you expanded on, I'm not sure if
this is all original, or if it is something that is expanded on.

 

Golden retrievers need attention. Labs want attention. German Shepherds
demand attention. 

If Golden retrievers could talk, they would be constantly saying, "I love
you! I love you! And if you came home and found a broken lamp, they would
say, "I'm a bad dog! I must have broken it even if I was outside the whole
time! Oh No, you are unhappy!"  If Labs could talk, they would constantly be
saying, "Love me! Love Me!" And if you came home to find a broken lamp, they
would say, "Broken lamp? Yup, I was having tons of fun and I broke it! Want
to see me break the other one? "If German Shepherds could talk they would be
constantly saying, "Where are you going, be careful! Let me help you with
that!" And if you came home to find a broken lamp, they would declare, I
told him not to do it, but the cat broke the lamp anyway!"

Funny. Goldens do have the guilt thing down.

 

Golden Retrievers plead with their lovely eyes to be fed, because if food is
around they must have some. Labrador Retrievers are always hungry and
believe almost anything will make a nice snack. German shepherds refuse to
believe you really want them to eat kibble since it is obviously survival
rations to be stored indefinitely for a major catastrophe.

Cute.

 

-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <http://bluegrasspals.com/pipermail/group1/attachments/20160729/1fba4264/attachment.html>