[Critique Group 1] group 1 critique notes from cleora

[sitting.duck at springmail.com]

#critique Grace, Martha, and The Sleep Shirt Solution
About 4 minutes

the title  is short and engaging. inviting the reader to find out what the story is about.

Grace sat near the open window listening for car tires on her gravel driveway. She'd put on her favorite tee shirt with the embroidered flowers around the neck. Her shorts were the same pale blue of the bumpiest flowers. She carefully strung macaroni, bells and buttons for a friendship necklace to give her cousin. The cousin she'd never even met.
I think this first paragraph could be condensed into 1 compound complex sentence unless it is for young readers who need the simple sentence structure. 

"How old is Martha, Mom?"  she asked as a whiff of perfume whisked past.
"You are three days younger than Martha," her Mom said  placing the vase of peonies on the dining room table. "My sister and I were pregnant at the same time.” 
I think it would be best to be specific about the age of the girls.
>From the first paragraph, I thought Grace was about 4 or 5 because of the macaroni necklace. 
Later in the story, it appears the girls must be 10 or 12. 
This was a bit of a jolt.

Grace smells her mother's perfume? But, not the flowers? maybe have her notice the smell of the flowers and leave the perfume out, or even have her notice the contrast between the two. 
Not that it is necessarily a problem, but why do we care about the colors of Grace's clothing and the flowers? I can see Grace wanting to show off the embroidery but we don't know about anyone else’s clothes why Grace's?

A couple of times Martha asks how Grace can do something if she is blind.
Martha clearly doesn’t want to be here and she also isn’t very observant for a child that should be developing some social skills by 10 or 12.
Maybe she could learn how Grace does and knows things by watching the family interaction.
Especially if Grace catches her snatching the chips.
"As you act it out, we call out our guesses,"  Mom answered,  "Grace is very good at drawing conclusions. She often beats us to the correct answer."
Why does Grace have to depend on guesses of the other players? Can’t the actor or someone describe what is happening? I’m not a fan of charades so I leave it to you to decide.

when Martha sneaks out to see Goldie.
Very much in character. Martha is more interested in playing with the dog than in getting to know her cousin. Then when she messes up, she sneaks back to bed and tries to pretend she doesn't know anything about what has happened.

?Goldie nibbled the macaroni necklace 
I worry about the puppy eating the macaroni necklace. a puppy might choke on the buttons or bells. Later, at the quarry, my fears are validated by the puppy being injured by the necklace.

"Where's Goldie?"  Martha's voice made Grace jump.
I question this. I have talked to people who lost their vision as infants or young children and I think Grace would have heard her coming Or felt the change in the air as she approached. Maybe Grace could surprise and further educate Martha by speaking to her first.

"Well, I can't see anything either,"  Grace snapped. "Now are you going to help me look for Goldie or not?"
LOL! Good for you Grace.

Goldie refused to put weight on her one back paw and one front paw. 
Just one front and back paw? This sounds like the puppy Just has 2 legs.

I like that the girls went to solve this problem themselves and became friends rather than calling for the adults.

I like the surprise ending of rescuing the puppy with a sleep shirt. Very nice.
Also very likely that the puppy would begin to spill out of the shirt as they walk.
Overall, it is a nice story. I think its goal is to show that blind children are much the same as sighted children and that they can do things on their own. I think it needs to be revised for a specific audience/age group and perhaps do some research on just what a blind child can be expected to do and understand. Those I have talked to are very capable.
I noticed a few passive verbs. Consider rewriting these areas.

That all said. I like the story very much. These are just thoughts and suggestions that come to mind. Understand that it is your piece to do with what you think best. Going on your early remark that you plan to put this together with other stories to creat a kind of journal of a blind child growing up, that is why I suggest thinking about the age group you are targeting
a very nice story. hurray for you and your plans.

<>end critique Grace, Martha, and The Sleep Shirt Solution

#critique late one night
About 3 minutes
It's Saturday night. You're home alone, with doors locked, and security 
alarm set. Suddenly you spring upright in bed because your clock says 

short choppy sentences and phrases create more of a since of alarm and disorientation I think.
I would save the review of the alarm being set etc. until after the alarm goes off. and the main character is trying to sort out what has happened and reorient his/her self.

"Is everything all right?" my new source of survival information asks.
I didn't catch that this was the monitoring service calling the first read through. maybe add "monitoring agent" in front of "new source" 

paragraph 6 and following: 
I get the since that this is a real life experience, and that you are reporting what happened. but in the essay, consider asking the agent to stay on the phone while you go down and walk around investigating. 
Also, I suggest, for the benefit of the reader, go ahead and get a key and let them search the man cave as well as the grounds if for no other reason than additional peace of mind. the person, if there was one, may have run away but may have also decided to come up and in through a window in the confusion and come out after the police are gone and you haven't reset the alarm. again, I think this would be a good addition to the essay as a manual to the reader.
The steps taken post break-in contain good suggestions for someone wanting to make their home as safe and secure as possible.
A good and potentially helpful information document for others.
<>end critique late one night

#Which Breed Is the Best Dog?
LOL I loved it. I grew up with dogs and I can believe your assessment of the different personalities.
the only thing I would change is to make each section into a list. I think that would make it easier to read both for people using a screen reader, and partially or fully sighted.
Example:
If they had a job:
Golden retrievers would be social workers. 
labs would be standup comedians. 
German shepherds would be nannies. 

My spell/grammar checker says standup should be one word not two.
<>end critique of Which Breed Is the Best Dog?

#remake of your so vane
I remember that song. Vaguely.
The meter seems a little off but I couldn’t remember how the tune goes so I’m not sure.
I thought it gave an interesting contemporary update to the song but since I’m not a poetry person, I really can’t evaluate it very well.
<>end critique of your so vane