[Critique Group 1] Mary-Jo critique Comments for Session 4 Very Late

[Mary-Jo Lord]

Hi,

 

I thought sent these a while back, but in catching up on a lot of loose ends
with several computer projects I see that these did not get sent. Sorry for
the lateness.

 

Mary-Jo

 

# Roger: The Early Years

Marilyn

 

This is a great Sestina. They are hard to do without making the lines sound
forced. You managed it and made this form seem easy to write. I know from
experience that it isn't. I'm glad that you sent this as an attachment.

 

# Book IV: Grandma Grace 

 

#44. Grandma Grace's S'mores

Kate

I liked the first person POV. I wonder if you have thought about how that
would work with the rest of the book. The Interaction between Grace and her
grandchildren is nice. Grace's description of her attempt at making the
s'mores is real and humorous. I like how when the kids ask for s'mores,
Grace says that she makes them in the Microwave now.

 

   "Yes," I answered, "but, I've never let that get in my way."

   "One evening, I wanted to make my own s'more, just like the other kids
did," I continued. "My mother said I couldn't do it."

   "Yes, I can," I said and proceeded to show her.

   "I felt the lines on the graham cracker and pushed. The graham cracker
crumbled. After several crumbled crackers, I broke one along the lines and
set it on the log we used for a bench.

   "The chocolate candy bar was easy to unwrap. It was hard to break the
candy, but I got it right on the first try!"

You might want to remove a few more of the end quotes in this passage. Also,
when Grace is telling the kids what she said to her mother, that would be a
quote inside of a quote.

 

   "Yes," I answered, "but, I've never let that get in my way.

   "One evening, I wanted to make my own s'more, just like the other kids
did, I continued. "My mother said I couldn't do it."

   "'Yes, I can,' I said and proceeded to show her.

   "I felt the lines on the graham cracker and pushed. The graham cracker
crumbled. After several crumbled crackers, I broke one along the lines and
set it on the log we used for a bench.

   "The chocolate candy bar was easy to unwrap. It was hard to break the
candy, but I got it right on the first try!"

 

# The List

Deanna

 

I love the character descriptions and the way the friendship evolved between
Dolly and Myra. The line about a bazar kind of marriage made me laugh. The
list of items and Dolly's assumption about it was interesting. I feel like
this needs to be a bigger story. I would have liked to see some conflict
between the two women. On the other hand as a piece of flash fiction, it
does keep the reader wondering.

 

# To Illness and Back

Cleora

 

This was well written and organized and is a good article about the benefits
of seeing the right Chiropractor for some people. This sounds like one of
those stories that I've heard on podcasts like Snap Judgement or
Invisibilia.

 

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