[Critique Group 1] Marilyn's critiques

[Marilyn Smith]

Marilyn's Critiques for November 30 Critique Session

Kate:

It's hard to believe that modern grandkids would see this as a 
strikingly exciting story. I'd like to see more scenic background 
sensory information before we start making the s'more. I also wondered 
why Grace wasn't wondering or telling what the reactions of her parents 
and others around her might have been. When they talk about using the 
microwave, I'd like to see Grace tie it into at least the idea of a 
campfire setting I.E. singing songs, watching videos, etc. Well written.

Cleora:

This is a testimonial and a lesson in chiropractic styles. If you're not 
careful, the long insert on the history of the style will break the flow 
and take the attention away from the person who is suffering. There 
needs to be a workable bridge when returning from the historical insert.

The piece will need to go to a newsletter or vehicle promoting 
nontraditional western medicine since a sense of bitterness and doubt 
run throughout the diary of childhood problems through adult issues. I'm 
very glad the system you discovered works for you, but I'm not inclined 
to embrace chiropractic since western medicine has not failed me. Of 
course I would use it for basic adjustments in the spinal area if 
recommended.

Mary-Jo:

This is funny and thought provoking. I love the everyday references to 
movie, slang word choice, restaurant fare. These are all part of our 
every-day lives, and there is often no pattern to when or where we 
encounter them. The random line length and stanza lengths add to the 
idea that one day can be totally different from the next, and you won't 
know what you're getting 'til you're there. Although you suggest some 
negative problems, there is a spirit of acceptance and hope in the way 
the poem comes across.

DeAnna:

I was a little disappointed in the ending because I wanted to see it go 
somewhere funny. Her worry about the items listed was building toward a 
surprise or a confrontation which we didn't get. Maybe the roommate 
could walk in while she's looking at the list; maybe the roommate could 
offer a list of the things that bug her about the author.

In terms of form, I personally don't like the "had been, had moved, had 
shared, had left" sequence of sentence construction. It loses my 
interest. I think you could change some words around and keep it a 
little more active. I think this story has lots of potential, but may 
need to go farther.