[Critique Group 1] Critique Group1 December

[DeAnna Noriega]

I too didn't get mine sent in. Here is the brief notes I have.

Marilyn,

In the first line, I would change the word "as" to "when".

Just my personal preference here.

I liked the double meaning of overcrowding meaning both physical and
emotional closeness.

 

Kate,

Pigtails is one word. The sentence (Paulette cheered bouncing her blonde
pigtails up and down.) needs work. Paulette can bounce up and down, causing
her pigtails to fly, flip out with the motion or something, but as iit is
written, I can only picture her cheering and flipping her pigtails like
pompoms with her hands. Cleora,

If "What Happened is supposed to stand as a heading, then the sentence
following is a fragment and needs revision. If it is part of the sentence,
then you need to put it in as bolded or italics and connect it with a dash
to the rest of the sentence. Drop the word "up" and continue from "until." I
would change "would expect" to "might expect." Add a period after well.
Shorten your sentences leaving out "but"Begin the next sentence with
"Bythen, the teacher" Place a period after "faking." "Whelps are offspring,
so I think you mean "welts." Try to avoid run-on sentences.Drop the word
"But" and I think you will see how the sentences can be divided into two
sentences. You have a period beginning the paragraph (I went to him.) (By
clothes off the rack should be (buy clothes off the rack.)

I like your folksy writing style, but for clarity, short sentences would
better serve you.

Try to leave out extra words that don't add anything to what you are trying
to say.

Mary Jo,

I liked the rhythm and the inclusionof good and bad day elements. It
reinforced the idea that whatever comesit is still yours to own. 

Happy Holidays one and all!

D.Q.N. .

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