[Critique Group 2] Leonard's comments on Brad's work

[Leonard Tuchyner]

This is a well constructed poem. 

As usual, you  make an excellent  choice of words.  

I like the way the  piece moves on 

with the steady drum beat  of  “Inthe distance the fires continue to burn. 

Each stanza tells a little bit more 

abut how people  continue to be unalarmed. 

Disaster is  about to fall, 

but they don’t realize it 

until it is too late. 

The fire, in this case, is globalwarming. 

It’s course is unrelenting 

and obvious. 

Yet we  continue in our mondane lives as though itisn’t there.  

Even when it is staring us in theface 

and we need gogles to block itout.  

Even when we are telling others thatbad things are happening. 

They pause, but still do notunderstand 

and do  nothing. 

The junky feels  the wind shift before he loses himself inself indulgence 

and is no longer aware. 

The track team, experts at running

, realize finally that there is noplace left to run. 

Bravo. 

Brad sub for august 22

 

 

 

In the distance the fires continueto burn.

She makes her way outside drinking abottle of Mountain Doo.

She wears old sweats and a pair ofancient sneakers

that may have been black once

but now are a color no one wouldchoose from a color wheel.

As she shuffles out to the clothesline.

She is belting out “South’s GonnaDue It Again!” by the CDB.   

 

In the distance the fires continueto burn. 

Standing 35 feet in the air 

in the basket of a bucket truck.

As the unrelenting wind blows dustand grit in his face ,

he is thankful for the wraparoundgoggles.

He is replacing a section ofinsulators on an overhead transmission line. 

This  last sentence needs work.  It startswith  “He”. Which repeats the aboveline.  The line itself is superfluous.,but it would  be better if you kept theline, but change the way it begins. 

In the distance the fires continueto burn. 

The band is banging out a spiritedversion of “Everything Happens to Me.” The tenor sax player steps up to the mic

and channeling his inner Lesteryoung, blows a solo which garners 30 seconds of audience applause. He tips hispork-pie hat and grins hugely. 

 

In the distance the fires continueto burn. 

The young pigtailed red headed girl,throws the brightly colored ball. The brown dog chases it, barking joyously anddrops it at her feet. She smiles and praises him lavishly. 

 

In the distance the fires continueto burn.

In a filthy alley

between 2 brick buildings 

a strung out junkie attempts toshoot up.

With a dirty syringe containing adubious milky substance.

His hands are shaking so badly,

that he misses 3 or 4 times beforehitting a vein. Just before the shot takes effect, he feels The winds shift. 

 

And the fires moving, alter theirforward direction.

The newly engaged couple walk handin hand,

down the wooded path.

They turn, 

And look lovingly into each other’seyes.

Almost indiscernibly ash begins torain down.

They do not heed it. 

 

Strengthened by the wind, the wallof fire moves purposefully and rapidly toward the town.

As three uniformed members of thehigh school track teem exit the drugstore, 

they look up and suddenly realize,

there is nowhere left

to run anymore. 




 
 
Leonard I. Tuchyner, Author
 
https://www.dldbooks.com/tuchyner/

 
  
 
 

-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <https://bluegrasspals.com/pipermail/group2/attachments/20220830/ee6098bb/attachment-0001.htm>