[Critique Group 2] critiques from March 25 for all, 743 words

[Alice Massa]

Good evening, Group 2 writer friends!

Please find below the critiques from our March 25, 2021 gathering, in 
order of posting.

1.Joan’s poem: “A Spoon in the Heart”

What an intriguing title to draw in a vast number of readers!The rhythm 
and beat of this poem so mirrors “The Raven” that I do think you must 
have channeled your inner Edgar Allan Poe.The meter is 
consistent--perfectly done.

Your imaginative, clever foundation of this poem is cemented in the 
superb final line:“hides the dagger in a spoon.”

The simple rhyme incorporated into this poem is masterfully executed 
because the simple rhyme does not come across as childish nor 
playful:somehow, the rhyme reflects the serious nature of this poem.

Unlike most of Joan’s poems, the meaning of this poem is more direct, 
more clear, less mysterious even though the reader may remain wondering 
who exactly is the “phantom.”

2.Valerie’s poem “Trap”

This short, four-letter-word title seems perfect for this somewhat 
longer poem by Valerie.The contrast of the metal trap wit the emotional 
trap is poignant, well-described.

An outstanding phrase in this poem is“mind lock of agony.”I suggest that 
you coin a word by deleting the space and type “mindlock.”

Another important and superior line is:“keep light as an anchor.”

Indeed, this poem is one for our times when the poet writes of telling 
another of her isolation and then notes that the other person feels the 
same.At this point, the poem takes a literary turn to the healing of 
emotions with “cool, calming waters” which untrap the poet.We learn the 
poet has known happier times before and returns to a happier time by 
means of the final lines:“serenity, a welcome friend.”After all of the 
stress, how nice to have a satisfying, positive ending.

3.Brad’s flash fiction:“The Capricious Face of Fate”

What a great title for this piece of fiction!The word “Capricious” is 
such a wonderful word of our English language.

While a minor point, the use of military time is a wise touch of the 
writer for this piece, as is dividing such a short piece into two parts.

Consider revising the third sentence which is an unnecessary 
fragment.Also, place the comma before the conjunction “but”--not after 
the conjunction, as below:

“…, but the enemy was not known ….”

Considering content, you may wish to revise “excellent camo.”Near the 
end of the first part, a reference is made to the young Navy Seal’s 
being one of four, but this point has no consequence in the flash 
fiction.I suggest placing this point at the onset of the story or 
deleting the minor detail.When I first read the piece, I was led to 
believe that the apartment was in the back of or upstairs from the bar; 
however, later, I realized that the couple did go out into the 
street.Just a little revision to one sentence may add clarity to this 
point to keep the reader moving forward.

The writer handles and presents this type of story well.The story 
flashes before the reader the reminder that after daring, dangerous 
adventures, one’s life may be swept away in a “relatively” normal 
setting where death would not be expected.

4.Leonard’s poem “Butterfly Bush”

To make the title less of a label, I suggest the title:“Butterfly 
Bush--Heavenly Bush.”Please note the use of the dash.

Immediately the poet takes the reader into his realm of fragrance of the 
butterfly bush--into a celestial place with Nature.Such phrases as 
“Heavenly scent,” bathe in holy aroma” set the celestial scene.

Delete comma and insert a dash or colon as follows:

“an awesome sight--a butterfly bush.”I suggest selecting another 
descriptive term other than “crowds” in “crowds of Monarchs.”

I did especially like the closing rhyme of “resist” with “Heavenly 
bliss.”Yes, the term is “near rhyme,” but it works so very well at the 
end of this lovely poem.

This relatively short poem is, I believe, Leonard’s shortest submission 
ever to our group; nevertheless, the poem is complete, satisfying, and 
evocative.What a wonderful poem to read as winter is trying to shut down 
and spring is budding forth!(The novel which I mentioned because of its 
focus on Monarch butterflies is Barbara Kingsolver’s FLIGHT BEHAVIOR.)

To all--Thanks for sharing your writings!

Looking forward to a month-long celebration of poetry--Alice

March 27, 2021, Saturday

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