[Critique Group 2] *My October Comments

[Joan Myles]

Dear Friends,

I'm trying to be a better partner in poetry. Thanks for another great
session!
Joan
***

 BOE Critique Group Two

October 29, 2020

Joan’s comments for October 29, 2020

*indicates my specific suggestions

Leonard: Bruised Ribs

unseen//only the blind couldn’t notice: seems contradictory

In the space of a shallow breath: wonderful, expressive of time and feeling

*omit up to : a perfect crash

, a bludgeon of crushing force

*Is there a way to show like death, maybe stating somthing like death
screams out of me



Brad- The Worst of it all was the Lies

Truth transforms into mercury- awesome, truly conveys ungraspable elements

As the ground beneath my feet//disappears: we feel the uncertainty, the
unsettling situation growing at our feet as  foundations slipping away

An old ragged beggar: making the situation human, personal, relatable, good
shift

Throws himself on the altar steps: great imagery

*Maybe you could pose the beggar’s question in terms of bread or shelter,
something simpler, more crucial to the beggar.

*maybe circle back to mercury by saying spin chemists, or speaking of Truth
alchemists.

Val: Time Waves

*Title: Tides

Poem has the feel of tide ebbing and flowing, the line lengths varying
pulls readers back and forth like the tide, and we feel the emotion
building.

Clean and cutting- great phrase, sounds surgical, non-emotional even as the
emotion of the piece builds

* a single line of  I’m swept off my feet as way to carry readers outward

*Omit I hear, already implied; say The roar of sorrow

*not So clear and spinning; rather, a spinning

*Soon seems not quite right; maybe in time
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