[Critique Group 2] critiques from August 29 session, 824 words

[Alice Massa]

Dear Group Two writer friends,

Before I finally share the critiques from our September meeting, I want 
to let you know that I will be unable to attend a session on October 24, 
Thursday.I am uncertain if October 31, Halloween, may be an alternate 
date for our next critique session.Although I believe we met on 
Halloween previously, I believe Joan was not yet a part of our group 
then.Just thought I would give you all a little "heads up" concerning 
upcoming dates.

Now, for the critiques from August 29!

1.Joan's poem:"The Faithful One"

What a puzzler of a poem the poet has given us to decipher, and we do 
like a challenge!While I was off base with my quest for knowing who was 
"The Faithful One," I do like the title and the poetic detective work to 
determine who is "The Faithful One."

"Shoeless" as a one-word first line is an intriguing and powerful 
attention-grabbing opening for this poem.

With the line "claim your place," the poem makes an interesting turn.

My favorite section of the poem was the creative "flower section."

"daisies whisper/the iris glistens/the lilies dream"

Revise the typo--the capital letter "Y" within the word "easily" should 
be lower case.

Although I was incorrect in thinking the "Faithful One" was a 
hummingbird or honey bee, this challenging poem still flourishes with a 
unique and creative flair.

Some punctuation may assist the reader, especially the oral reader, in 
reading aloud the poem; however, I do realize that the poet may prefer a 
different purpose for her writing.

2.Valerie's poem:""Girl on a Corner"

Although this memoir poem is stellar, I do recommend a revision to the 
first line to avoid the misinterpretation of the parents sounding as if 
they are fifteen.I suggest:

"When I was fifteen, my parents ...."

I compliment the good word choice of the verb in "the wind buffeted."

Consider changing the participles to past tense verbs:

"staring" to "stared"

"lifting" to "lifted"

"Hot pink" is a good choice of color description.

Other good descriptive phrases include:

"wide arc around her"

"shivered with flimsy clothes"

In the line "she was a doll," the pronoun has an unclear antecedent:the 
preceding noun is "mother."Thus, I suggest the following revision:

"The lady in hot pink was a doll."

A superb use of questions about the young woman's identity, age, name, 
food on that day--all show the caring of the poet.

Good description of action with the line:

"Mother yanked away her daughter."

The stunningly excellent final line of the poem brings forth the 
contrast between the freedom represented by our nation's capital and the 
lack of freedom of this young woman.

This poetic vignette is quite memorable and is a realistic portrayal of 
a moment in time.

3. Leonard's poem:"The Trap of Knowing"

The strong title of this poem matches the sound and strong qualities of 
the content of the poem.

This treatise on the "realm of absolutes" begins well with a very 
attention-grabbing opening.

Using the verb "buttresses" is a very good word choice which further 
supports the weight of this poem.

One suggestion is that the line with the cliche "pull the rug out from 
under me" could be deleted without affecting the content of the poem; 
thus, a cliche could be omitted.

When the poet writes of his protectiveness of his masters, I wonder if a 
double meaning arises to indicate additionally the poet's upholding his 
T'ai Chi masters and their beliefs and teachings.

When the sword of truth or ignorance is introduced, I notice a turn in 
the content of the poem.

The final line is both important and intriguing:

"enter into the realm of absolutes."

This poem well and successfully addresses the question "What is the trap 
of knowing?" and demonstrates the intellectual and thoughtful nature of 
the poet.

4.Brad's poem:"Vercingetorix"

This poem is an amazing history lesson and makes very good use of the 
couplet form.

What a wonderful teacher the poet must have had in the sixth grade to 
recall this history lesson so clearly!Also, three cheers for the poet's 
public school!The poet's sixth-grade lesson becomes a history lesson for 
all of his readers.

I am pleased that the poet chose to share a poem which he had initially 
written during National Poetry Month.

Three suggestions involve deleting a conjunction at the onset of a 
line.Delete "and" So (or "Thus,") several times, he won.

Delete the "but" conjunction at the onset of the line to have:

"in the end, wiley Caesar did prevail."

Delete the conjunction "for" so that the line reads:

"when all is said, the king did fail."

The other conjunctions at the onset of lines are acceptable.

Thanks for sharing your impressive knowledge of history with us!

* * *

With gratitude for another wonderful evening of poetry sharing

and appreciation for the critiques which you already sent to me,

Alice

ajm321kh at wi.rr.com

September 12, 2019, Thursday

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