[Critique Group 2] Fwd: Leonard's comments re: Brad

[tuchyner5 at aol.com]

Hi group2,

I'm sending this as a forward because something looked fishy in my first try.

Leonard 


-----Original Message-----
From: tuchyner5--- via Group2 <group2 at bluegrasspals.com>
To: tuchyner5 <tuchyner5 at aol.com>
Cc: Critique Group 2 <group2 at bluegrasspals.com>
Sent: Thu, Oct 31, 2019 1:09 pm
Subject: [Critique Group 2] Leonard's comments re: Brad


 

 

Except for some bullshit commentary on my part,this piece is a piece of fresh air in a world that needs it. 

The poem sets an uplifting mood, 

expands it, and bursts into a land beyond therainboe.  

According to some predictions, 

we will have a thousand year period of peace  in the not too distant future. 

 

 

The Pastures ofSummer

C By Brad Corallo

A Tribute to theGlory of the Fading Season

Word count 214

 

Awakening beforethe sunrise

You don’t need ‘the’.

 

on the holy dayof Litha. 

Alexa doesn’t know  what the Holy Day of Litha is.

 

Filled withboundless joy,

I mounted mysturdy pony.

Why a pony, and not a full sized horse.

 

Following themorning star,

I rode forth.

 

As the sun's arc

rose above thehorizon

Alternative : As the Sun arched over the horizon.

 

igniting the dawn

with a waxinggolden light.

I LIKE WAXING, BUT IF YOU USE ‘GROWING’ YOU HAVEALLITERATION OF G SOUNDS.

 

A sky of endlessblue, lightening

Try: A lightening sky of endless blue.

 

stretching to thefar horizon.

My pony gallopedwith sheer exuberance.

 

We leapt a clearrushing stream

I love the sound of this line.

 

and entered thePastures of Summer.

 

Wild flowers grewin vast abundance.

Try ‘flourish’ instead of ‘grew.’

 

As we rode on

a chorus ofbirdsong

in varied pitchand tone, swelled.

Filled with thebeauty of the morning,

I felt my heartwould burst asunder.  

 

The lush greengrass seemed to go on forever.

As we rode on

Leave out ‘on.’

 

a barrier, like athickening of air

checked ourcourse.

Just as quicklywe passed through.

She stood, robedin white-

a wreath ofliving flowers upon her head.

Raising her barearms high-

in a voice bothgentle and powerful,

she proclaimed:

"Welcome tomy realm,

the land ofsummer and hope.

Stay awhile.

Cast off thysorrow and memories of winter.

Abide here, tarryfor a time and be healed. 

This day willlast a thousand years!"

 
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