[Critique Group 2] September Comments from Joan

[Joan Myles]

Dear Friends,

Here are notes from my comments at our September meeting.
Blessings to all,
Joan

*Val:
I love the line 'alone as evening eases in'. The pairing of evening and
eases  stretches the experience. But the word 'in' kind of clips short the
lengthening effect. Not sure what to suggest to solve this, just letting
you know. Good alliteration with 'rests..sultry sound'.And while I love
your final line, my ear wants to  hear 'making magic' instead of prolonging
the doubled m's. Over all, a truly sweet poem!

*Alice:
This is obviously a poem expressing a painful experience. Your clever
word-play tries to lighten the mood. I especially love bitterfly net and
the heart pocket, which both speak of the need to wrestle with emotion.
However, there is so much being held back. Perhaps writing freely about the
situation will release the emotion, and enable reworking the subject. Or
maybe holding back is one of the points of the poem. Very moving either way!

*Brad
A wonderful essay, conveying your deep thought on the subject--recently and
in past years. I love the line 'lightning rod of the human condition'.
Spoken like a professional in the field of human behavior.  As I told you,
I was skeptical about the 8 steps to writing a poem, but on deeper
reflection, realize I do follow your scheme after all. Thanks for the
revelation!

* Leonard
A lovely recitation of whaere inspiration dwells. I love the various birds,
and especially the aspects of moving water. Water to me is ever a spiritual
element in our lives, and this validates my feelings on the subject. Your
poem is a source of inspiration, thank you!
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