[Critique Group 2] Leonard's comments for Val's piece for June

[tuchyner5 at aol.com]

Absolutely beautiful,deep, and inspiring. The nuances in this p;iece are surprising, but I am notsurprised.




 



A Wondrous Treasure

Heart song,
completely serene in the womb cushion
where life is sweetly new.

Once in life light,
unfamiliar world brings mysteries and discoveries
as the tiny heart song plays.

Innocence and awe bring
challenges, joys uninhibited
as the song grows free.

Somewhere,
feared monsters creep beyond the boundary,
crushing the song under unfathomable evil.



This implies that the monsterswere always there but  the heart wasprotected by  a boundary. At what pointdo these monsters’ presence become known?

Silently, the shatters like glass carousels tumbling from a broken shelf.



In the copy I got ,carousels  starts a new line. I put ittogether in one line because I thought you meant it that way.




 


This is one place where Ithink tumble, rather than tumbling  is abetter choice.

The heart song struggles,



I like  heart song rather than just ‘heart.’  Or evenheart’s song. You give the song its own entityhood It is obviously connected tothe heart, but exists by itself.  Itsomehow makes a big difference.




on slowest bleed, recreating itself in pain so
deep it cannot be undone.
This is a deep and powerfulconcept.  The heart song is not defeatedby pain, but actually is fed by it, even though it may appear to be undonetemporarily by pain.




Tears fall outside a heart broken,
mending itself to sing



But aren’t the tears partof the song?




 


Not withstanding, I lovethe message that despite sadness and dispair that is seen expressed, the heartand heart-song   is expanding.
even through scars of disilusion.

Many breaks, scars and tears
beset the song, yet, it still plays
despite harm, indifference, false love.
The black hovers,
but the heart is brighter,
wiser for it, rezillian in its melodic time



Does melodic time meanthe song does not miss a beat. Its rhythm undeterred  despite  all its assailants?





won by many silent battles of care.



Does this mean by loveexpressed in action?

Heart song,
genuine,
careful,
still comes alive
like Spring blooms
in patches of color
now spreading toward sky and and stars that welcome.
I love this list of heart songqualities. It reasons, is careful, and is intensional..
Valerie Moreno
6-2-19
________
Lord, stay always with us.
-from Psalms





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