[Critique Group 2] Leonard's comments for Brad

[tuchyner5 at aol.com]

A history lesson in brief. 



I can visualize an ancient bard singing these words. 



Very effective presentation  



The piece harkens back to a time when war wasthought to be glorius. 



However, I doubt that Caesar  saw it that way.



He was an executivfe. 



That’s why he won; it all. 




 



 


Vercingetorix



C By Brad Corallo



Word count 207




 


"Gaul united, Forming a single nation 



animated by acommon spirit, 



can defy theUniverse." 




 


So the people ofGergovia sing



of Vercingetorix,their warrior king!




 


Where his fatherfailed he united Gaul



I think there should be information somewhere  describing briefly how the father failed; andwhat it was he tried to do. This could be done in a footnote. 




 


for all thetribesman heard his call.




 


They brashlychallenged Roman might



putting countlesscenturions to shameless flight. 



Is shameless an accurate word here? It seems to methat they might have been very ashamed.



On the other hand, when confronted witth certaindeath,  there is no shame in retreat. 



In that case, ‘sagacious’ might be a betterchoice.



Actually, not using any word there would be more poetic. 




 



 


He dreamed an endto Roman power



battling Caesarto win the hour.



These are 2 of your best couplets.




 


And several timeshe won the day



with scorchedEarth and prowess the legends say.




 


But in the endwily Caesar did prevail. 



For when all issaid, the king did fail.




 


He was executedin 46 BCE,



held in chains,no longer free!




 


But across theages, his name is known



for in AuvergneFrance, tiz still intoned. 




 



 

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