[Critique Group 2] My Feedback from 5-29-2018

[Abbie Taylor]

Valerie, in this phrase, "glimmering like stars in Autumn." try 
"glimmered," and don't capitalize "autumn." Also, you misspelled 
“autumn.” I didn’t catch it until just now.

In these two lines,

ice cream and cake on birthdays,

these held magic wrapped in assurance.

delete the comma after birthdays and "these" in the next line so they 
read like this.

ice cream and cake on birthdays

held magic wrapped in assurance.

This poem's title, "A Question of Dreaming," asks if one should dream, 
but in the poem, you make it clear that dreaming has helped you escape 
from hard times. Therefore, instead of "A Question of Dreaming," I 
suggest just "Dreaming."

Alice, first of all, it's not clear what your title is, "Dream" or When 
David Hartley-Margolin Narrates My Next Book." Actually, I like the 
second option. However, unless you're planning to send this to a 
publication like Magnets and Ladders where most readers are familiar 
with the NLS program, you'll need to clarify who David Hartley-Margolin 
is. Might I suggest something like this?

my dream is

that David Hartley-Margolin,

my favorite talking book narrator,

will record my next book?"

In this line, "I always knew that you," there's a space after "you," 
then a comma. I'm assuming this is a typographical error but thought I 
would bring it up.

Leonard, in these lines,

a singular star

that flickers faintly in early light.

try "single" instead of "singular" and delete "faintly." "a single star

that flickers in early light.

In these lines,

Every leaf, on every bush and tree,

alive and green, is singing

a tambourine hosanna to torrid light,

change "is singing" to "sing" and move it to the next line so they read 
like this.

Every leaf, on every bush and tree,

alive and green,

sings a tambourine hosanna to torrid light,

In this line, "Swamping senses with relentless crescendos," try swamps 
instead of "swamping."

I've heard cicadas but never thought much about them until I read this 
poem. I like the way it portrays something so trivial.

Brad, since your poem doesn't extoll Google's virtues, I don't think I 
would call it an ode. "Google by Google" will suffice as a title. I love it.

-- 
Abbie Johnson Taylor, Author http://abbiescorner.wordpress.com 
http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com abbietaylor945 at gmail.com Order my new 
memoir at http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com/memoir.htm
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