[Critique Group 2] my comments about May-29 pieces--alas!

[Alice Massa]

Hello, Group Two writers!

Alas, on this 93-degree day, sending to you my critiques from May 29 is 
at the top of my "to-do" list.Below is the typewritten version of my 
critiques from our May 29th gathering.

1.Valerie's poem "A Question of Dreaming"

While I find the title of this poem creative and intriguing, another 
title may fit this poem better.You can save this title for another 
creation because it should not be wasted.

The following passage contains wonderful imagery; however, notice that I 
added the word "copper" for both description and rhythm

"Dreams were bright as copper pennies,

like stars in autumn."

I love the taste and fragrance of the following alliterative line:

"cotton candy at Coney Island"

After the birthday listing, change the comma to a dash; or use Abbie's 
suggestion about this passage.

One of the outstanding lines of this poem is:

"Dreams became desperate reaches ...."

The following is a superb line to mark the shift in the poem's content:

"Life spread through music ...."

In this well-crafted poem, I especially like the circular motion wherein 
the poem begins with the autumn star and ends with the winter star.

Have I written this before?This poem is one of Valerie's most shining 
efforts.

3.Leonard's poem "Year of the Cicada"

I do like the title of this poem.Coincidentally, I have heard the word 
"cicadas" recently in the superb talking book (NLS) NEWS OF THE WORLD 
(by Paulette Jiles) and in a magazine article:in both cases, the 
narrator pronounced the word "si-kay-dus."Nevertheless, I find the 
different pronunciation from one member interesting.

Throughout this poem, the repeating "s" sound brings forth a very 
appropriate effect to mirror the content.A particularly good example of 
the alliterative "s" sound is found in the following line:

"swamped in senses with relentless crescendos."

"A tide swells from all sides" is a creative, thought-provoking line.

What a superb phrase is "a tambourine hosanna"!How did your creative 
mind think of this poetic gem?

I am curious about the meaning of:

"ringing ears have no place to hide."

The ending of this poem is quite unexpected, surprising.

Is the poem reflecting the philosophy that the world is so beautiful 
that some or most people are blocked from the world's beauty?Further, 
are the sounds of the world so wonderful that some or most individuals 
cannot hear them?Despite mention of both deafness and blindness at the 
end of the poem, the poem's primary focus is on sound.

The poet challenges the reader with this piece, and this reader is left 
with wanting more explanations although the poem is strong as it now stands.

4.Brad's Ode to Google, by Google"

Due to the humorous, sarcastic, and clever nature of this poem, I think 
the title is a good one.

I am somewhat surprised that the corporate motto is a factual 
statement.Thus, isn't this poem also didactic?

In the first line, I suggest adding a hyphen to make the term 
"data-mine" more easily and readily readable as a verb.

This poem is a clever presentation of bringing forth a reality check for 
internet users.

The word play with "bit" and "biting" is also good.

Each stanza prompts a wry or cunning smile.

I do wonder if this poem could be published with using the trademarked 
name of "Google."

Once again, I am always glad when one of our poets demonstrates 
versatility as a writer.

NOTE:Recently, I read that Grammarle is free of charge; previously, I 
assumed that one had to pay to use this program.Although I have never 
used Grammarle, I know that at least a couple of our BOE members use 
Grammarle.

5.Abbie's poem "An Out-of-the-Ordinary Monday"

I noted one typo in the title where one m-dash is used instead of a hyphen.

I suggest revising the following line for clarity:

"so I don't have to jog naked across the pool."

I recommend deleting "it's" and "where" so that the revised line reads:

"Then, home again, I snuggle in the recliner ...."

Although the poem has a good final line, I thought the piece would 
return to a mention of or contrast with the suicide bombing.

What a very busy day for anyone!I think this poem's showing how busy the 
life of a blind person can be is worthwhile and instructive for 
many--too many--sighted people.

One of the phrases in the passage "in the evening, after supper" could 
be deleted to avoid a redundant prepositional phrase.

This poem appears to me as a "micro" version of the tome ACROSS TWO 
NOVEMBERS, by David Faucheux.

* * *

Thanks to all for sharing these poems and for another evening of 
interesting discussion about writing.I look forward to our next critique 
session on the 28th of June.

Best to all!

Alice

ajm321kh at wi.rr.com

June 17, 2018, Sunday

-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <http://bluegrasspals.com/pipermail/group2/attachments/20180617/75a904c0/attachment-0001.html>