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<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Hello, Group Two writers!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Alas,
on
this 93-degree day, sending to you my critiques from May 29 is
at the top of my
"to-do" list.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Below is
the
typewritten version of my critiques from our May 29th gathering.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">1.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Valerie's
poem
"A Question of Dreaming"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">While I find the title of this poem creative
and intriguing,
another title may fit this poem better.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>You can save this title for another creation because it
should not be
wasted.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The following passage contains wonderful
imagery; however,
notice that I added the word "copper" for both description and
rhythm</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Dreams were bright as copper pennies,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">like stars in autumn."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I love the taste and fragrance of the
following alliterative
line:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"cotton candy at Coney Island"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">After the birthday listing, change the comma
to a dash; or
use Abbie's suggestion about this passage.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">One of the outstanding lines of this poem is:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Dreams became desperate reaches ...."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The following is a superb line to mark the
shift in the
poem's content:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Life spread through music ...."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In this well-crafted poem, I especially like
the circular
motion wherein the poem begins with the autumn star and ends
with the winter
star.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Have I written this before?<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>This poem is one of Valerie's most shining efforts.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">3.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Leonard's
poem
"Year of the Cicada"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I do like the title of this poem.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Coincidentally, I have
heard the word
"cicadas" recently in the superb talking book (NLS) NEWS OF THE
WORLD
(by Paulette Jiles) and in a magazine article:<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>in both cases, the narrator pronounced the word
"si-kay-dus."<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Nevertheless,
I
find the different pronunciation from one member interesting.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Throughout this poem, the repeating "s" sound
brings forth a very appropriate effect to mirror the content.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>A particularly good example
of the
alliterative "s" sound is found in the following line:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"swamped in senses with relentless
crescendos."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"A tide swells from all sides" is a creative,
thought-provoking line.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">What a superb phrase is "a tambourine
hosanna"!<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>How did your
creative
mind think of this poetic gem?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I am curious about the meaning of:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"ringing ears have no place to hide."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The ending of this poem is quite unexpected,
surprising.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Is the poem reflecting the philosophy that
the world is so
beautiful that some or most people are blocked from the world's
beauty?<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Further, are the
sounds of the world so
wonderful that some or most individuals cannot hear them?<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Despite mention of both
deafness and
blindness at the end of the poem, the poem's primary focus is on
sound.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The poet challenges the reader with this
piece, and this
reader is left with wanting more explanations although the poem
is strong as it
now stands.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">4.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Brad's
Ode to
Google, by Google"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Due to the humorous, sarcastic, and clever
nature of this
poem, I think the title is a good one.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I am somewhat surprised that the corporate
motto is a
factual statement.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Thus,
isn't this poem
also didactic?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In the first line, I suggest adding a hyphen
to make the
term "data-mine" more easily and readily readable as a verb.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This poem is a clever presentation of
bringing forth a
reality check for internet users.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The word play with "bit" and "biting" is
also good.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Each stanza prompts a wry or cunning smile.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I do wonder if this poem could be published
with using the
trademarked name of "Google."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Once again, I am always glad when one of our
poets
demonstrates versatility as a writer.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">NOTE:<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Recently,
I
read that Grammarle is free of charge; previously, I assumed
that one had to
pay to use this program.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Although
I have
never used Grammarle, I know that at least a couple of our BOE
members use
Grammarle.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">5.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Abbie's
poem
"An Out-of-the-Ordinary Monday"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I noted one typo in the title where one
m-dash is used
instead of a hyphen.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I suggest revising the following line for
clarity:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"so I don't have to jog naked across the
pool."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I recommend deleting "it's" and "where"
so that the revised line reads:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">"Then, home again, I snuggle in the recliner
...."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Although the poem has a good final line, I
thought the piece
would return to a mention of or contrast with the suicide
bombing.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">What a very busy day for anyone!<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I think this poem's showing
how busy the life
of a blind person can be is worthwhile and instructive for
many--too
many--sighted people.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">One of the phrases in the passage "in the
evening,
after supper" could be deleted to avoid a redundant
prepositional phrase.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This poem appears to me as a "micro" version
of
the tome ACROSS TWO NOVEMBERS, by David Faucheux.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">* * *</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Thanks to all for sharing these poems and for
another
evening of interesting discussion about writing.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I look forward to our next
critique session
on the 28th of June.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Best to all!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Alice</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><a class="moz-txt-link-abbreviated" href="mailto:ajm321kh@wi.rr.com">ajm321kh@wi.rr.com</a></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">June 17, 2018, Sunday</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
</p>
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