[Critique Group 2] my comments from June critique session, 1073 words

[Alice Massa]

Hello!Leonard, Abbie, Brad, and Valerie:

Someone please tell me where the past four weeks have gone!Each time I 
plan to transfer my hard-copy braille notes to typewritten form, 
something has or more than one thing have arisen.While the Thunderbirds 
are flying overhead for Milwaukee's Air and Water Show this weekend, I 
hope to finish this set of critiques from Group Two's June 28 critique 
session.

With many thanks for your patience or your forgetting how late I am with 
the following,

Alice

* * *

1.Valerie's poem:

Thanks for finding and sharing with us the original word to describe the 
type of road in the first line of the poem.

I know that this poet uses punctuation very well; however, in this poem, 
she uses only one comma to set off a noun of address:

turn around, sweet angel

I hope that this poet will return to using punctuation in future 
poems--at leastfor most upcoming poems.

Fortunately, the stanza breaks are helpful to the reader while reading 
this almost punctuationless poem.

I wondered if the mystery person is someone from The Monkeys.The poet is 
providing intrigue or a puzzle for the reader.

For me, an unexpected line of the poem is:

I wanted to drown in them [his eyes].

This line reveals the intensity of the poet.

Are the tears of the guitarist or of the poet?

This contemporary poem reminds me of the spacialism of the South 
American poet Octavio Paz.

2.Brad's poem:"Momentary Molecular Mishaps"

What a great, alliterative, and attention-grabbing title for this 
outstanding poem!How interesting that the poet wrote this poem last 
autumn!I thought that the poet just very recently penned this verse.

At the end of line one, insert a comma.

At the end of line two, change the semicolon to a comma.

For expressing morning, use either both capital letters or lower-case 
letter, each of which is followed by a period (for lower case only):

AM or a.m.

Delete "say" (meaning "for example") at the end of line two.

The line with "subtle slippage" is an outstanding line.

Would the poet consider revising the poem to be in first, rather than 
second person?Technically, "you" is the reader:"I" would be more direct, 
more dramatic.

I recommend changing the word "loose" to "loosening."

For better pacing of the poem, change the comma after "quick," to an 
exclamation point.

Thanks for increasing my word power with "anxiolytic."

The pace of the poem reflects the speed of anxiety in the content--very 
well done!

Place a period or colon after

"Everything is okay."

Place a period after

"sigh of relief."

Insert a comma after "probe," in the poem.

Change semicolon to comma or dash after

"artfully dispersed"

A superb line with great vocabulary is:

"detritus of morning ritual"

With an impressively strong ending, the entirety of this poem expresses 
reality with raw emotions and is certainly prize-worthy. This 
extraordinary poem should be submitted for publication.

3.Abbie's upcoming book:"The Red Dress"

The 142-word length of the synopsis seems good to me for various 
promotional opportunities.

I suggest revising for clarity the sentence which includes:

she still remembers and even ...."

Rewrite the final sentence of the synopsis to avoid the use of the word 
"and" twice.

Consider placing the word "Prologue" before the date.

In the following quotation, I changed "could" to "can."

"Can I borrow something from your closet?"

The novelist may want to check if the expression "whatever" was used 
colloquially in 1987.

In general, I would recommend that another proofread be done with 
specific attention being given to antecedents of pronouns.Whether in 
quotation or in other sentences, each pronoun should have a clear 
antecedent to avoid slowing down the reader because I imagine this novel 
as a quick, light read.For example, "and felt like throwing up"

The above did not refer to Charlene.

Rather than using an inappropriate hyphen in "what-ever," use a tagline 
to express how the speaker is pronouncing the word.

I learned to place either a comma or exclamation point after the 
interjection "Oh!"

Set off the noun of address with commas as follows:

Hey, Eve,

Revise for clarity by writing something as follows:

and held her roommateOR

and held Eve

At my high school, the sports editor of the school paper was the 
basketball star; thus, not all sports editors are unappealing.Making a 
main character or minor character into something other than a football 
quarterback would be refreshing for many readers.

Revise for clarity:

"She had to admit it looked good on her."

Perhaps, Alex should comment on the red dress in this initial scene with 
the title dress.

I admire this prolific writer's completing another book and sharing the 
synopsis and prologue with us.Another book on the shelf is quite an 
accomplishment!Congratulations!

5.Leonard's poem:"Plastic Kills"

Initially, I heard the title as "Plastic Hills," rather than "Plastic 
Kills."

After the very first word of the poem, instead of a comma, use a dash.

An antecedent is needed for the pronoun in the phrase "as did they," or 
change the pronoun to a noun.(I believe the antecedent is flora and fauna.)

I like the duality of flora and fauna, coal and diamonds.(The largest 
coal mine and largest tipple in my hometown was The Black Diamond Mine.)

Consider changing "It" in the following:

"Today it befouls our Earth."

According to reports on Wisconsin Public Radio and other programs, the 
plastic in Lake Michigan becomes intertwined with real food sources and 
thus, is ingested by fish, some of whom eventually die from this 
"plastic casserole."Additionally, some of the fish that eat the plastic 
eventually end up on a platter for Friday Night Fish Fries, a tradition 
still in Wisconsin.

The poet used an outstanding and memorable analogy and metaphor in:

"sandwiched between two clear panes ...."

The passage includes the great line:

"in frantic spasms of hope to fly free."

What a superb final line of this remarkable poem!

"Why do they remind me of me?"

With all the media reports about plastic straws, now may be an opportune 
time for having this poem accepted for publication.

* * *

Thank you all for the critiques which you shared live and in e-mails!

Looking forward to celebrating the second anniversary of our critiquing 
together!

Until Thursday evening, Alice

ajm321kh at wi.rr.com

July 21, 2018, Saturday

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