[Critique Group 2] my comments from January 30 critique session, 541 words

[Alice Massa]

Snowy February Greetings to Group Two Writers!

Below are my comments from our January 30 critique session.

1.Valerie:"2018"

After all of the discussion about the title of this poem, I still stand 
beside the choice of "Standing" as a better title for the poem.

Place a period or semicolon after the word "balance."

The best, most creative line is:"Hope and faith on alert for misty signs."

This poem ends with the strong word "endurance," which gives a sign of 
hope and strength for the coming year.

Addressing the challenging new year as "You," is effective.

Although this poem contains only about seven lines, the piece is very 
thought-provoking.

Instead of just "Standing" for the title, the poet may wish to consider 
"Standing for the New Year" or "Standing for 2018" so that the reader is 
fully set for the direction and purpose of the poem.

Happy 2018, Valerie!

2.Abbie's poem

While I understand that others like the first line of this poem, I still 
feel that one senses the silent snowflakes--one does not hear them.Thus, 
I suggest considering revising the first line to, for example:

"Hear the wind cascading snowflakes."

Try adding some words that will take the senses to a level above the 
norm or cliche.For example,

"Taste the cinnamon, hot chocolate."

The poet did more creatively sway from the norm with the descriptive 
verb in the following phrase:

"swathed in white"

Due to my experiences in the city, I questioned the phrase "whine of the 
snowblowers." In my area, the snowblowers do not whine:they roar.

Consider changing "beneath your feet" to "beneath your knee-high boots."

A good thought that is typically not included in such a poem is:

"Smell the exhaust from idling cars."

Like Leonard, I compliment the poet on the quick turn-around of the last 
lines from outside to a return inside.

The poet successfully reached her goal of a poem that well explores all 
five senses.

3.Leonard:"Gentle Hands"

I heartily agree with Abbie's suggestion to revise the title to 
"Portrait of a T'ai Chi Master."

As has become typical of this poet's work, the opening of this poem is 
strong and attention-grabbing.I compliment the poet on his use of inner 
rhyme with the near rhyme of "ignites" and "smite."

Although I better understand the poem after our critique session's 
discussion, I still wonder if the lines from "the tiger" to "breaks a 
back" should be deleted or revised.With the intended meaning in mind, I 
did return to the poem and read it again; however, these lines seemed 
more of an interruption in the flow of the poem.Nevertheless, I do keep 
in mind that this writer continues to demonstrate his ability to write 
in a variety of styles and from a variety of perspectives.I think this 
particular effort is quite different from my stylistic comfort zone.

Consider adding the preposition "by" prior to the final line of the poem:

"Receive kindness with grace and gratitude,

by honoring the giving, gentle hand."

In his description, the poet does achieve an effect of mixing harshness 
and softness.

***

Stay warm, well, and wise!

Talk with you on February 27!

Alice

ajm321kh at wi.rr.com

February 9, 2018, Friday

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