[Critique Group 2] Leonard's critiques for January

[tuchyner5 at aol.com]

Abbie

 

I enjoyed this piece. Every sensory description was a wonderful experience. Now for the knit picking.


LISTEN TO WINTER

Hear the silent snowfall.

This line immediately captivated me.  I was there instantaneously. Snow fall really does have a sound, yet silent describes it. It’s my favorite line.


See white flakes swirl.
Feel the warmth of two pairs of socks.



Breathe in the aroma of cocoa.
Taste the hot chocolate.

These 2 lines deal with the same substance experienced in 2 different ways.

Outdoors, one degree below zero,
feel the frozen snow beneath your feet.

Isn’t all snow frozen? Maybe a different descriptor would work better. There are so many different varieties of snow that provide a smorgasbord of choices.


See streets, sidewalks, grass, swathed in white.

When you can see these things there isn’t much snow on them.


Hear the whine of a snow blower.
Smell the exhaust from idling cars.
Back indoors, enjoy more hot cocoa.

Great end line.

I love the way you’ve played with the sunbeam theme. There is something wonderfully pleasurable about the feel of a warm Sunbeam in winter and early spring weather. I wonder why you gave Willow the whole sunbeam without taking any of it for yourself.

 

January Sunbeams

Good title.

Alice 

by Alice Jane-Marie Massa

 

 

Having survived a number of the record-setting gray days

on this Frozen Tundra, beside the lake--

I graciously welcome into my abode

the rare January sunbeams

I like the concept of welcoming a sunbeam into your home.  There is the sense that you have invited it, or that it is a welcomed surprised guest which has sentience

that take their rest for a few short hours

I love the concept of the sun beams taking their rest.

upon the beige carpet of my living room.

Great imagery.

 

"Willow, come!  Sunbeams!"

I catch the delight in the writer’s discovery at the special, rare treat.

I cheer for my guide dog.

When she joins me, I encourage her:

"You have to catch the sunbeams."

My first impression was that Willow was encouraged to act like a cat chasing a beam of light. But then I realized it was meant in a different way; like catching a snooze.  I note this but I wouldn’t change what you have.

My British Black Labrador complies:

she nestles down into the warmth of the January sunshine.

In this patch of sunbeam,

Great description.

I know Willow does not dream of

her blue boots, red coat, nor salt.

If I didn’t already know, I would wonder whether Willow enjoyed getting into those things.

My mellow Lab is in

a yellow Jell-O of comfy contentment.

Great description.

 

After catching her limit of January sunbeams,

Willow returns to her bed

beside my computer desk

and patiently awaits the sounder

that alerts her

to my computer's shutting down--

our cue to arise for a winter walk.

 

To waylay Cabin Fever,

Willow and I leave some January sunbeams

alone in the warmth of our living room

I love the further personification of the sunbeams. It is particularly interesting in the way it can be interpreted. It’s not so much that the sunbeams make it warm, as it is that they found a warm place and you were leaving them alone to enjoy the warm comfort.

while we, bedecked in Arctic attire,

head outside

and hope other January sunbeams

will follow us,

So these sunbeams are like puppies that like to tag along.

warm our path,

I think these last 3 lines are both literal and metaphoric.

brighten this January day,

lighten the load of this Wisconsin winter.

 

 

 

 

_______________________________________________



 

Val

 

This is a wonderful, spiritual prayer. I’ve made comments as I read the poem line by line. Some of the phrases brought up good questions concerning their meaning. But the poem’s meaning became clearer as it progressed.


Standing
at the
threshold of this time,

I wonder a little about what ‘this time” means.  Are you talking about a critical new point in history, or the beginning of a new year?



will you be a blessing

By you, I think you mean yourself and all the other collective people in the world.

Or mire of twists or sorrows again?

Actually, I have to take back the last comment. You would be asking yourself these questions. That last line also persuades me that “This time” refers to the beginning of a new year.

somewhere I pray for even, calm, balance

What does “Somewhere” mean here? I think you mean somewhere within yourself. What kind of connection do you have to this part of yourself?

hope and faith on alert for misty signs.

This last line is intriguing. I love the idea of being alert for misty signs.

Whatever I encounter, may it brace me with endurance.

I love this concept, as I understand it.  I think you are saying that the very things that are uncomfortable or painful to us are the same things that give us power to endure them.




 
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