[Critique Group 2] Critiques for October 31st Meeting

[Abbie Taylor]

Valerie, being a widow myself, I can identify with the feeling of loss portrayed in this poem. It can be made even more powerful.

When you say, "I've adjusted to living alone," put a period after "alone," and capitalize "it's" in the next line.

The following doesn't make sense, and your poem would be more effective without it.

or wrapped
in red package and bow saying
"All done"

In the next few lines when you're talking about missing his voice and jolly laugh, delete the second instance of the word "Your."

The following two lines would work better if "you" was part of the second of the two.

Nothing fills the open spaces you
left in my life,?

In the next line, delete the comma after "so."

Here's the poem with my suggested changes.  Seven

Seven years you've been gone,
feels like seven lifetimes
with seven centuries of tears.

I've adjusted to living alone.
It's not easy.

Today, I miss your voice,
jolly laugh, listening heart.
Nothing fills the open spaces 
you left in my life,
so here's another "I love you" poem
in this journey of grief.

***

  Alice, this is a good story, but one thing Grandpa must realize is that here in America, we enjoy the freedom to express our views, even if they're not popular. That is one of the freedoms our veterans represented when they fought in our many wars. Unlike the actions of white suppremasists and other hate groups, taking a knee at a football game during the national Anthem hurts no one. We must simply agree to disagree and not take it personally when someone expresses a view we don't believe.

As for the story itself, it would be more realistic to portray the appearance of the ghost as a dream and to indicate some sort of head injury as justification for that dream. Perhaps when the quarterback is in the ambulance, one of the paramedics could tell him that they think he might have a head injury so he needs to stay awake and focused.

inininininin

Leonard, this story gave me a good chuckle. I love the title. Barney sounds like he's definitely not a  guide dog.

***

Brad, this is a another powerful poem which could be made more effective with some tweaking.

In the first line, "far away" should only be one word, since it's an adjective modifying "place." Since your first two lines are not complete sentences, I suggest putting commas after "place" and "time" and not capitalizing "we" in the third line. In the second line, delete "in." In the third line, delete "gently."

In the fourth line, place a coma after together." Instead of "facing," say "face each other."

Then put a comma there, and delete "we will" from the next line. Delete "deeply from this line, and place a comma after "eyes."

Delete "and we will" from the next line. Delete "we will" from the ninth line, then delete the line break after "smile" to combine the ninth and tenth lines. Once that's done, delete "and" from that combined line. 
In the next line, delete "ancient," and substitute "will" for "shall." "Chord is spelled with an H.

In the next line, delete "and."

Delete "always" from the last line.

Below is the poem with my suggested changes.

Restoration

In a faraway place,
a moment beyond time,
we will finally meet
under a glowing golden sky.
Together, we will stand, face each other,
gaze into each other’s eyes,
know one another
more fully than we do now,
smile,  take each other’s hands. 
A long forgotten chord will ring.
At last, all will be 
as it should have been.

Abbie Johnson Taylor, Author http://abbiescorner.wordpress.com
http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com
abbie at mysero.net
Order my new memoir at http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com/memoir.htm