[Critique Group 2] Critiques 3-21-2017

[Abbie Taylor]

Valerie, the following line is too long. “newspaper in a disarray of 
pages around his slippered feet” The line can be broken in two, or 
better yet, shortened by just saying, “the newspaper scattered at his 
slippered feet.” We all know that a newspaper has more than one page, 
so I think this way will be just as clear.

Unfortunately, you lost me after that line. This poem moves from one 
place to another very quickly without any sort of transition. You have 
the couple in the living room, apparently waiting for someone. Then, 
there are the twin girls and the cat. There seems to be no connection.

Brad, what’s not to understand about this piece? It’s about how beings 
from another planet or world perceive life on Earth. It’s the type of 
thing Kurt Vonnegutt would have written.

Now, here are some petty details you might want to consider. A title is 
usually in all caps unless a publication specifies otherwise. When a 
different person speaks, a new paragraph is usually created. I also 
found at least one place where a quotation mark was missing at the 
beginning of a dialog. Before sending this anywhere, you might want to 
proofread it carefully.

Leonard, I like this poem’s whimsical quality, similar to the poetry of 
Ogden Nash.

-- 
Abbie Johnson Taylor, Author http://abbiescorner.wordpress.com
http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com
abbie at mysero.net
Order my new memoir at http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com/memoir.htm