[Critique Group 2] Feedback for June 27th Pieces

[Abbie Taylor]

Val, first of all, song titles are in quotes. The word "exercise" is 
spelled with an S at the end, not a Z. "e x e r c i s e." Otherwise, I 
love the way this poem depicts your loving yet painful relationship with 
your father.

Leonard, first of all, there are two things wrong with this sentence. 
"But the ideal future is not always materialized." For one thing, I 
don't like the idea of starting a sentence with the word "but." Try 
"However instead, or use though at the end of the sentence. Also, 
"materialized" works better as a verb, so try this on for size. "The 
ideal future does not always materialize, though."

Here's another grammatically incorrect sentence. "These new parts are 
never as good as the factory new equipment we came into this world 
with." Try it this way. "These new parts are never as good as the 
factory new equipment with which we came into this world." Not only is 
this grammatically correct, but I think you'll find that it sounds better.

Otherwise, I like the way this essay explores the concept of quality of 
life versus quantity of life and the idea of choosing when to die.

Brad, I like the way the characters in this story seem to banish evil 
with only a few sentences. I wish it were actually possible to do this.

Alice, in this line, "I need not shovel my Snow Garden," you don't need 
to capitalize "snow garden," especially since you don't capitalize 
"flower and herb garden" in the next line.

Otherwise, I like the way this poem expresses a sentiment a lot of us 
have. The question mark at the end of the title makes the reader wonder 
if summer is actually a gift.


-- 
Abbie Johnson Taylor, Author http://abbiescorner.wordpress.com
http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com
abbie at mysero.net
Order my new memoir at http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com/memoir.htm