[Critique Group 2] very belated critiques/May 23

[Alice Massa]

Good evening, fellow Group Two writers:

Finally, below are my very, very belated comments of your interesting 
pieces critiqued on May 23.Since so much time has passed, I just re-read 
your pieces and the comments that all of you sent in a timely 
fashion.Thanks for the comments on my poem, and thanks for your patience.

1.Valerie:"I Don't Understand"

The poetic lines having unequal lengths parallels the content of this 
poem:I very much like the contrasting line lengths.The format reflects 
the feelings expressed by the poet.

Perhaps, since the reader and poet are blind, the assumption is that the 
poem concerns the inequality of a relationship between a sighted person 
and someone who is blind.However, I can "see" that this poem could be 
read on different levels--a sign of a good and challenging poemA poem's 
being able to be read on different or multiple levels is one quality 
that makes the reader feel comfortable in studying/reading the poem 
multiple times without tiring of the poem.

I do realize that some of the following points may be due to the phone 
system which the poet uses.

Place a period after "motivate."

Place the comma prior to the closing quotation mark in:

you call me "friend,"

Place period after "broken."

Period needed after "appreciation of thought."

I suggest a period after "an equal."

Also, put a period after "inner world."

Ever since I have read your poetry, your poems have displayed a 
distinctive voice.You develop well your own writer's voice and style.

2. Abbie:"The Wooden Front Porch"

This poem is one with which many readers--fans of the front porch--can 
easily and well relate.The poet's memories produce more memories for the 
reader.

While I understand that the poet prefers not to be repetitive, I suggest 
that the word "porch" be used more often.Especially in the stanza about 
comic books, a connection needs to be established with the front 
porch.In addition to all the details and the stanzas bringing in all 
family members, what I like about this poem is its progression to the 
point that another family is on the porch and will develop their own 
memories.

Consider the following change:

accompanied me with a pail--the precursor to his drum

Unlike the usual smooth verses which the poet usually writes, these 
lines have a choppy or staccato effect which may reflect the quick moves 
of children.

Thanks for a nice poem of nostalgia.

3.Leonard:"Child's Play"

Add a comma in the first line:

as a kid,

Place a comma after the introductory prepositional phrase:

To me, it seemed ...

I recall that the writer once told me that someone in his other writer's 
group was against the rule of a comma after introductory prepositional 
phrases; nevertheless, I suggest a comma after the following 
introductory prepositional phrase:

on each edge,

The exception to the rule occurs when the introductory prepositional 
phrase is followed directly by a verb (as long as the verb does not have 
as a subject the "understood"--not written--you.For example--

On the edge was a damaged railing.

In the next example, you will see that two prepositional phrases can 
also form an exception.

On the edge of the porch was a plastic glass of iced tea.

(No comma is placed in the above two examples.)

What a good line is the following!

A child's fancy has no restraint.

After the word "cliff," change the comma to a dash to be more dramatic.

One verb tense that I suggest changing is in the following--from present 
indicative to imperative (command form):

add (not "adds") more to a simple trek.

What a beautiful final stanza which is as light and airy as its 
meaning!Great choice of words!

Your great memories of childhood are well-expressed, and I admire how 
well you have conjured up these detailed memories.

4.Brad:"Prayer to the Ancient One"

I think this melodious, rhythmical poem might be able to be set to 
music--with antique instruments playing in the background.

Place a comma as follows:

The Green Man returns,

To avoid a fragment, delete the word "that" from the following:

A wise being (that) emboldens

A colon is needed after the line ending with "unfolding."

To avoid another fragment, delete "who" from:

who's glimpsed in the leaves

Place a comma after the introductory prepositional phrase:

 From Australia to Britain,

Place a semicolon at the end of:

he lived for the day;

I suggest a comma after the following introductory prepositional phrase:

For tomorrow,

Change the comma to a semicolon in:

The dice have been rolled;

Add a comma after the introductory dependent clause:

Before it's too late,

Place a comma after:

For the Earth is our trust,

Change "and" to "so" in the last line:

so all life will be free.

Through all of your extensive reading and affinity for this era, you 
continue to capture well the tone and rhythm of the period which 
interests you.

Thanks for the wonderful variety of your writings!

Talk with you all on Tuesday evening--Alice

ajm321kh at wi.rr.com

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