[Critique Group 2] comments from July 25 critique session

[Alice Massa]

Hello!Group Two writers:

I am pleased to send to you my comments from the July 25 critique 
session in a more timely fashion.If you have any questions, please let 
me know.

1.Valerie:"Quiet Things"

Although I usually recommend avoiding the word "things," I think using 
the word in your title works well:I like the title.

I suggest a more consistent use of punctuation or the lack of 
punctuation.Perhaps, Philmore is the reason for the punctuation issues.

Try to make clearer the meaning of the following poetic line:

I call a line, play bingo

Would the average reader understand that you are calling a group on the 
Philmore line?

This poem well reflects the easy-going, uncomplicated part of the life 
of the poet.The cat at her feet is in comparison and contrast to the 
Labrador at the feet of Leonard in his poem.Additionally, this poem 
highly contrasts with the deeply emotional and heart-wrenching other 
poems which the poet has previously shared.Sometimes, a light summer 
poem can come from the same "pen."

2.Leonard:"Mountain Lullaby"

I was pleased to give this poem a "gold star," which should be placed 
right by the poem's wonderful title.Certainly, the Virginians should be 
pleased to include this poem in the anthology of Virginia writers; 
furthermore, if the editors are wise, they will include this poem and 
its writer in the prize-winning list.

Beginning the poem with the word "Sol" and later using the word "soul" 
gives the poem a type of "full-circle" technique which adds a thoughtful 
dimension to the creativity of this poetic adventure.

Unlike his other poems, the poet uses well more alliteration in this 
poem.I especially liked the two following instances of alliteration:

crimson crown (line 2)

congenial cattle croon

I suggest adding a comma in the series as follows:

low, steep rocky pasture

I admire the use of the verb "dawn" in the line:

dawn evening shadows

Consider adding a comma as follows:

sacred, somber vestments

Add a comma after the introductory prepositional phrase:

On an old back porch,

Once again, the poet demonstrates good vocabulary in:

obsidian pool at my feet

The poem seems not to be about solitude, but the companionship of a dog 
and nature.The poem makes a peaceful progression through the mountain's 
nature or natural wonders to the wonder of a good dog at one's feet.The 
imagery of this poem sings a beautiful and memorable "Mountain Lullaby."

A gentle, sweet message comes forth in the outstanding final line:

Here, you are never alone.

This poem should be on a wooden Hallmark plaque with the mountain scene, 
porch, and Lab at the feet of the poet.

3.Brad:"Pergamum Flashback"

I proclaim this poem as "Brad's Best."The outstanding title leads to an 
equally outstanding poem.

I suggest changing the semicolon at the end of the first line to a dash.

Change the semicolon to a comma to be as follows:

Approaching the bizarre,

Add the word "As" in the following:

As dung dries in the street,

I enjoyed the foreign flair of the vocabulary of this poem:for example, 
the words "Muezzin" and "Palanquin" add special qualities to the verses.

Add a comma after the introductory prepositional phrase:

Between beats of his gong,

With intriguing setting and mystery, this poet once again weaves a 
memorable story in relatively few lines.The poetic picture is painted 
especially well.I hope that the poet will submit this poem to MAGNETS 
AND LADDERS and/or to another publication.

4.Abbie:"Heaven"

While I did enjoy reading this short story at least three times, I hope 
that consideration will be given to revising the title--unless the 
writer slightly revises the ending of the story to reflect the 
connection with Heaven.

The writer's creating a contemporary version of the Christmas story was 
well-executed and sometimes clever.For example, "Jesus Christ II" was 
unique.

If "Heaven" is the noun of address, place a comma after the word as follows:

Heaven, help us.

In a few passages, attention should be given to revising for sentence 
variety.For example, change to:

As the Moon appeared, the snow lessened.

Enveloped by the room's warmth, Mary Ellen sank into the couch.

Consider moving the prepositional phrase as follows:

settling herself with her own cup of coffee ....

Consider avoiding the subject pronoun "It" which has no clear antecedent:

It occurred to Mary Ellen that they could run away.

Mary Ellen realized that they could run away.

Place a comma or exclamation point after the interjection "Oh" as follows:

Oh, God, ....

In a story told in the past tense, avoid words like "now": consider the 
following change:

Now, here she was ....

Then, there she was ....

Consider changing the subject pronoun to a noun or noun phrase which 
would be clearer:

She (Agnes) guided her into the house.

With the up-in-the-air ending, the reader's imagination must work for an 
ending.

I believe this writer can develop the plot and characters more to create 
a novella or novel from this interesting short story.A lengthier piece 
would avoid the few spots where shifts in scenes are abrupt.

Thanks for a very good "Christmas in July" read!

* * *

Thanks so much for your comments about my poem.While adding an 
explanatory note and revising the poem for my blog post this week, I 
seriously considered each of your suggestions and incorporated most of 
your ideas.Although I did not use one change suggested by Leonard in the 
final draft, by trying to change the line as Leonard recommended, I 
found I had typed "and" rather than "an" in the phrase "an elderly 
woman."This mistake is one I have discovered in other pieces and was 
grateful to find it--thanks to Leonard's suggestion.Also, in the final 
draft which I posted on the WPL, I added a couple of line breaks and 
changed the cliche "captured" to "memorized."Well, on Wednesday, I spent 
the hours on the piece that I had not had time to give before sending 
the poem to Group Two.Thanks for your help!

With talking about dogs and other things before Abbie joined us and then 
with my lack of brevity about my book being available on audio, we 
forgot to mention our first anniversary!So, let us remember to toast our 
beginning of our second year at the August 29th critique session.

Happy August writing!

Alice

July 27, 2017, Thursday

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