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<p class="MsoNormal"><a name="_GoBack"></a> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Hello!<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Group
Two
writers:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>I
am
pleased to send to you my comments from the July 25 critique
session in a more
timely fashion.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>If you
have any
questions, please let me know.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">1.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Valerie:<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"Quiet Things"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Although
I
usually recommend avoiding the word "things," I think using the
word
in your title works well:<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I
like the
title.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>I
suggest a
more consistent use of punctuation or the lack of punctuation.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Perhaps, Philmore is the
reason for the
punctuation issues.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Try
to make
clearer the meaning of the following poetic line:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I call a line, play bingo</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Would the average reader understand that you
are calling a
group on the Philmore line?</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>This
poem
well reflects the easy-going, uncomplicated part of the life of
the poet.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>The cat at her
feet is in comparison and
contrast to the Labrador at the feet of Leonard in his poem.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Additionally, this poem
highly contrasts with
the deeply emotional and heart-wrenching other poems which the
poet has
previously shared.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Sometimes,
a light
summer poem can come from the same "pen."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">2.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Leonard:<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"Mountain Lullaby"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>I
was
pleased to give this poem a "gold star," which should be placed
right
by the poem's wonderful title.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>Certainly, the Virginians should be pleased to include
this poem in the
anthology of Virginia writers; furthermore, if the editors are
wise, they will
include this poem and its writer in the prize-winning list.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Beginning
the poem with the word "Sol" and later using the word
"soul" gives the poem a type of "full-circle" technique
which adds a thoughtful dimension to the creativity of this
poetic adventure.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Unlike
his
other poems, the poet uses well more alliteration in this poem.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I especially liked the two
following
instances of alliteration:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">crimson crown (line 2)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">congenial cattle croon</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>I
suggest
adding a comma in the series as follows:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">low, steep rocky pasture</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I admire the use of the verb "dawn" in the
line:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">dawn evening shadows</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Consider
adding a comma as follows:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">sacred, somber vestments</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Add
a comma
after the introductory prepositional phrase:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">On an old back porch,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Once
again,
the poet demonstrates good vocabulary in:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">obsidian pool at my feet</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>The
poem
seems not to be about solitude, but the companionship of a dog
and nature.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>The poem
makes a peaceful progression through
the mountain's nature or natural wonders to the wonder of a good
dog at one's
feet.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>The imagery of
this poem sings a
beautiful and memorable "Mountain Lullaby."</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>A
gentle,
sweet message comes forth in the outstanding final line:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Here, you are never alone.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>This
poem
should be on a wooden Hallmark plaque with the mountain scene,
porch, and Lab
at the feet of the poet.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">3.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Brad:<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"Pergamum Flashback"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>I
proclaim this
poem as "Brad's Best."<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>The
outstanding
title leads to an equally outstanding poem.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>I
suggest
changing the semicolon at the end of the first line to a dash.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Change
the
semicolon to a comma to be as follows:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Approaching the bizarre,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Add the word "As" in the following:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As dung dries in the street,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>I
enjoyed
the foreign flair of the vocabulary of this poem:<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>for example, the words
"Muezzin"
and "Palanquin" add special qualities to the verses.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Add
a comma
after the introductory prepositional phrase:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Between beats of his gong,</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>With
intriguing
setting and mystery, this poet once again weaves a memorable
story in
relatively few lines.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>The
poetic picture
is painted especially well.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I
hope that the
poet will submit this poem to MAGNETS AND LADDERS and/or to
another
publication.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">4.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Abbie:<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>"Heaven"</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>While
I did
enjoy reading this short story at least three times, I hope that
consideration
will be given to revising the title--unless the writer slightly
revises the
ending of the story to reflect the connection with Heaven.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>The
writer's creating a contemporary version of the Christmas story
was
well-executed and sometimes clever.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>For
example, "Jesus Christ II" was unique.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>If
"Heaven" is the noun of address, place a comma after the word as
follows:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Heaven, help us.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>In
a few
passages, attention should be given to revising for sentence
variety.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>For example,
change to:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As the Moon appeared, the snow lessened.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Enveloped by the room's warmth, Mary Ellen
sank into the
couch.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Consider
moving the prepositional phrase as follows:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">settling herself with her own cup of coffee
....</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Consider
avoiding the subject pronoun "It" which has no clear antecedent:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It occurred to Mary Ellen that they could run
away.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Mary Ellen realized that they could run away.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Place a comma or exclamation point after the
interjection
"Oh" as follows:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Oh, God, ....</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In a story told in the past tense, avoid
words like
"now": consider the following change:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Now, here she was ....</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Then, there she was ....</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Consider
changing the subject pronoun to a noun or noun phrase which
would be clearer:</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">She (Agnes) guided her into the house.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>With
the
up-in-the-air ending, the reader's imagination must work for an
ending.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>I
believe
this writer can develop the plot and characters more to create a
novella or
novel from this interesting short story.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>A lengthier piece would avoid the few spots where shifts
in scenes are
abrupt.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Thanks
for
a very good "Christmas in July" read!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">* * *</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Thanks
so
much for your comments about my poem.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>While adding an explanatory note and revising the poem
for my blog post
this week, I seriously considered each of your suggestions and
incorporated
most of your ideas.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Although
I did not
use one change suggested by Leonard in the final draft, by
trying to change the
line as Leonard recommended, I found I had typed "and" rather
than
"an" in the phrase "an elderly woman."<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>This mistake is one I have
discovered in
other pieces and was grateful to find it--thanks to Leonard's
suggestion.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Also, in the
final draft which I posted on
the WPL, I added a couple of line breaks and changed the cliche
"captured"
to "memorized."<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Well, on
Wednesday, I spent the hours on the piece that I had not had
time to give
before sending the poem to Group Two.<span
style="mso-spacerun:yes">
</span>Thanks for your help!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>With
talking about dogs and other things before Abbie joined us and
then with my
lack of brevity about my book being available on audio, we
forgot to mention
our first anniversary!<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>So,
let us
remember to toast our beginning of our second year at the August
29th critique
session.</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Happy August writing!</p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Alice</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
<p class="MsoNormal">July 27, 2017, Thursday</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> </p>
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