[Critique Group 2] critiques from January 24

[Alice Massa]

Dear Group Two,

Ta-dah!Yes, I was determined to get these critiques to you before the 
end of the week; and here they are!My comments from our January 24 
critique session are:

1.Valerie:"Welcome, Winter"

I like this title which draws me immediately into the text of the poem.

While this poem reflects the ideas of many people in the colder 
climates, the first stanza is happy and welcoming; but already in stanza 
two the mood abruptly changes.Perhaps, the poet could consider inserting 
another stanza between the first and second stanza to provide a better 
transition of feelings, a less abrupt change or shift of viewpoint of 
winter.

I suggest a dash after the word "shovels."

The strong last line of merely one word--"Enough!"--is very effective.

This poem sounds like a winter anthem that a myriad of winter weather 
watchers could sing in harmony.

2. Brad:"The Journey Home"

By flipping the first two lines of the poem and adding a comma after the 
now introductory participial phrase, the poem will have a more 
attention-grabbing opening and will avoid an unnecessary fragment.

Place a comma after the introductory prepositional phrase:

In his power,

Place a comma after:

righteous army,

With a marching cadence, this poem's rhythm is fast-paced and reflects 
the content of the verses until the ending lines, when a shift in pace 
is appropriate.

In only 155 words, this poem creates a full portrait.

3. Leonard:"House of Horrors"

At our critique session, I forgot to mention that I suggest revising the 
title of this piece.

Although this poem is especially descriptive and didactic, I hesitate in 
reading pieces which involve animal abuse, child abuse, or other such 
types of abuse wherein the person is unable to confront the 
abuser.Nevertheless, I do appreciate the quality of writing in this 
vignette.

The excellent opening sentence is very attention-grabbing: this 
exemplary sentence could serve as a prime example in a textbook for writers.

Although some recent texts would argue otherwise, I prefer that 
conjunctions (such as "But") should not be used as the initial word of 
sentences.

In this "coming-of-age" piece, the reader learns that Lenny's feelings 
are reflected through the animal abuse.Through the complexity of Lenny's 
feelings, the complexity of the world is also revealed for the young 
boys, the characters in the story.

The writer has tackled a monstrous subject with care and good 
craft.Between the lines, I feel echoes of Mark Twain's writings.

4.Abbie:"Aquarius"

While this poem is a successful culmination of a writing exercise, I do 
not feel it would be appropriate for submission to another source due to 
the similarity of poetic lines to the Fifth Dimension lyrics of the song 
"Aquarius."Having the similar phrases formed into questions does help 
the situation, but probably not sufficiently for publication.

In one of the early lines of the poem, the word "Aquarius" needs to 
appear to avoid the dangling past participial phrase at the onset of the 
poem.

Once again, this poet is able to stretch her repertoire by taking on the 
challenge of prompts presented at a face-to-face poetry group.

Enjoy your Sunday!

Happy writing!

Alice

January 28, 2017, Saturday

ajm321kh at wi.rr.com

414/224-1686

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