[Critique Group 2] Critiques for 1-24-2017

[Abbie Taylor]

Critiques for January 24th, 2017

Val, I love the imagery and agree with the sentiment.

Brad, the first two lines don’t work for me.

“He appears out of the mist.
Striding across the desert with a flaming sword.”

I have a hard time imagining a mist and a desert together. Try deleting 
“out of the mist,” or if you really want a mist, perhaps have your hero 
stride through the woods instead of the desert.

Also, “striding across the desert with a flaming sword” is not a 
complete sentence. Yet you have a period at the end. However, it could 
be a complete sentence if you substitute the comma at the end of the 
first line for a period.

“He appears out of the mist, (comma)
Striding across the desert with a flaming sword.” (Period)

Here’s another thought. “Strides” would be more effective than “striding.”

He appears out of the mist,
Strides across the desert with a flaming sword.”

There may be other instances where you can make your text flow more 
smoothly by not using the ing form of the verb.

Otherwise, I like the way you portray the typical hero and his warriors.

Leonard, even if you only had the description of the house, this still 
wouldn’t stand alone. Although there’s conflict, there’s no resolution. 
You might try submitting the entire piece to a different market that 
accepts longer works.

Also, if this is intended as a memoir, it should be in first person 
rather than third. You might want to consider changing Georgie’s name 
altogether. That would not only protect him but keep him from suing you 
for libel. You can include a disclaimer that says names were changed to 
protect privacy. Good luck.

Alice, for me this would work better as prose rather than poetry.

-- 
Abbie Johnson Taylor, Author http://abbiescorner.wordpress.com
http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com
abbie at mysero.net
Order my new memoir at http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com/memoir.htm