[Critique Group 2] comments from November 29 critique session

[Alice Massa]

New Year's Greetings!Val, Brad, Abbie, and Leonard:

One of my new year's resolutions is to avoid being so late in e-mailing 
to Group Two my comments from our critique sessions.Please forgive this 
enormous delay due to my book activities, the holidays, company, and 
then trips to the vet clinic for Willow and even a trip to the doctor 
and the ER for me.What a way to begin 2017!I hope your 2017 has been 
much better than mine.Now, to the critiques!

1.Val:"Calamity"

Through Valerie's command of the brevity of poetry, she continues to 
teach us the poetic beauty of a short poem.

Despite totally different content, this poem's title brings me back to 
the 1950s and thoughts of the movie CALAMITY JANE and its star Doris 
Day.How nice when just a title of a poem or word can transport the 
reader to another place and time!

At the end of line two, consider changing the ellipsis to a question mark.

Change comma to semicolon at the end of the line:

This is hard, defeating;

While the poem is a strong acrostic, consider changing the "T" line so 
that the initial word is not "This."Having stronger words at the onset 
of each line of an acrostic may be a better choice.

The last line of the poem may be stronger without the word "regardless."

Achieving sophistication in an acrostic poem is a challenge, but this 
poem rises to this poetic goal.

2.Brad:"Racing the Sun"

The intriguing title of this poem draws me into the verses.

While fragments may sometimes work in poems, consider changing the 
following fragment to a complete sentence by adding "I am" to avoid the 
fragment in this powerful grouping of words.

I am restrained

in a cold and narrow place

that is all too familiar.

Also, note in the above lines that the revision is in three lines.

Delete comma after "soul" in the following line:

to a deeply troubled soul

Can you avoid the cliche "snail's pace"?

Add comma after the following line:

I shall be lifted up once again,

In line two, I especially like the use of the word "madrigal."What a 
poetic word that brings to my mind superb madrigal dinners with 
wonderful music--Madrigal style.

Your unique crafting of poetry has offered us a challenging and 
thought-provoking read.

3.Abbie:"Thanksgiving Reflection"

How wonderful that such a poem was written during a third-Thursday 
poetry group meeting!

Consider avoiding the passive voice in the line:

Pumpkin pie was served.

The closing of this holiday poem is very touching.Providing something 
new--a new perspective or new slant--is always the challenge with 
holiday writings:this Thanksgiving poem does meet the challenge.This 
poetic effort captures well both the "then" and "now" of the holiday in 
a well-woven pattern.

4.Leonard:"The Good Old Days"

You may wish to consider another title for this interesting poem.

Try to make the following line parallel with the others:

where they've come from lately

Consider the following revision or something similar to be parallel:

the places they most recently called home

You may wish to reconsider the last three lines to avoid cliches.

This poem is certainly appropriate for posting on the WPL, and I am 
still trying to recall the name of the publication in the Northeast 
where I think this poem could be submitted.I am sure that I will soon 
read the name of the publication again in THE WRITER magazine and will 
then e-mail you the info.

In this poem, the stanza breaks are important to show the progression of 
the writer's focus.

I admire the variety of topics you display in your writings in various 
genres.

Again, my apologies for sending this set of critiques so late!

Hoping to talk with you all on Tuesday evening--Alice

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