[Critique Group 2] critiques for group 2, September 20

[Alice Massa]

Hello!Group Two friends:

Here are my critiques from the September 20, 2016 session.

1.Abbie:"My Dear Late Husband"

Writing this poem in epistle form was a good choice.The poem works well 
as a letter.

You may want to re-consider the use of the word "Late" in the title to 
avoid any confusion about the meaning by readers who may not know you well.

I suggest that you re-consider the use of "It's" in the first 
line."It's" represents "It is."Additionally, most textbooks recommend 
avoiding "it" without a clear antecedent, especially as the first word 
of a poem or prose.

Instead of using the informal "stuff," think of a word, phrase, or 
series that would be more specific and give the reader more information.

Place a comma after the word "did" in the line:"Your computer died the 
day you did, ...."

"The shit-eating grin" you wore" seems to stand out in a negative way 
and does not reflect the same tone of the other lines of your poem.

Add a line break after "crawl into your lap," and move the next phrase 
of the series to the new line.

I hope that all of your work on these poems and book has helped you 
through this transitional time in your life and that the publications 
form a comforting keepsake for all of your memories.

2.Leonard:"Going Home (or the Great Escape)"

Consider changing the line "It's my surgeon's will that shall be done" 
to simply "My surgeon's will shall be done."

My compliments to you on the word choice in this poem.For example, I 
especially liked "benign bastille" and the line about your wife.

Consider deleting "Such as."

You need a comma after "dooms."

If you mean the name to be plural, place the apostrophe after the "s" in 
the following line:"Humpty Dumptys' breaking ...."

Concerning the line "And I wonder now, with gratitude," add a comma 
after "gratitude" and change the word "And" to "Then."

Consider a noun or noun phrase, instead of "it," in the line "Where does 
she find the strength to do it?"

This important and interesting poem has two themes.Rather than breaking 
the poem into two poems, I suggest bringing together the two themes with 
a final line similar to:"Tonight, is she as ready as I for the great 
escape?"

Have you ever tried to submit a piece like this one to AARP?I think such 
a poem would appeal to many readers of a magazine targeting the "over 
55" audience.

3.Valerie:"Searching"

Add a comma at the end of the line:"Cloudy defenses fall away," and 
maintain all the remainder of your poem as is.What an outstanding, not 
forced, acrostic!When you have crafted a perfect poem that begs to be 
read and re-read, no more can be said.

We missed you, Valerie; and I hope you are feeling fine now.

4.Brad:"The Curtain Finally Fell"

I think I missed telling you on the call that I liked the title of your 
vignette.

In the line "No, she is outstanding" change the comma after 
"outstanding" to a period; then, begin the next word with a capital letter.

After the clause "Well, she is an actress," change the comma to a colon.

To emphasize "alone" and to add sentence variety, consider rewriting the 
sentence as follows:"Removing stage make-up in the dingy dressing room, 
she sat alone."

After "grabbed a pint of bourbon;" add a semicolon.After "uncapping it," 
add a comma.

Add a comma after the prepositional phrase "For the thousandth time," 
because the phrase is introductory.

Changing "beaming" to "beamed" to be parallel with "stood" in the phrase 
"and beamed their worship."

How did she wave?Do not miss an opportunity to describe your main 
character.Nevertheless, in relatively few words, you have given us an 
in-depth and intriguing picture of this actress.Learning that you are 
acquainted with the main character makes the vignette even more 
interesting, and I will soon read your earlier writing "Mary" again.

To all--Thanks for sharing your creativity and providing a good evening 
of discussion about our craft.

Leonard--Thanks for bringing these small critique groups to fruition.

Happy writing!

Alice

ajm321kh at wi.rr.com

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