[Critique Group 2] Leonard's critiques

[Abbie Taylor]

Hi Leonard, thanks for sending your feedback. The reason you didn't see any paragraph indicators is that when I forward blog posts to the list, the blank lines for paragraphs are removed for some reason. If you can, you might want to save email messages from this group to a separate folder to avoid any confusion over which piece is to be critiqued. I'm looking forward to getting together with you and the others next month.

Abbie Johnson Taylor, Author http://abbiescorner.wordpress.com
http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com
abbie at mysero.net
Order my new memoir at http://www.abbiejohnsontaylor.com/memoir.htm

On Sep 21, 2016 11:09 AM, Tuchyner5--- via Group2 <group2 at bluegrasspals.com> wrote:
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> Abbie'spiece.
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> There  was no paragraph indications. No indentations or spaces to separate them. So, I put the paragraphs in where I thought they should go. I think this is a pervasive problem as we try to send and copy our work out to and from different soft ware systems.
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> The first paragraph was a good grabber. It had immediate emotional tension.
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> I like the way you ended it.  It was a day filled with life threatening anxiety, but in the end everything came together.
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> Most people will relate to this story. Most of us have had medical scares. You’ve captured the process very well. there is always the inner battle of how serious to treat little medical signs which could mean nothing, or could mean our lives are in jeopardy.
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> I think you’ve done a good job in describing all the things that were going through your mind. the internal argument about how bad it could be, but how that might not be a rational conclusion. About the lack of caregiver resources. remembering how bad it was when your husband got sick, proving that all these dark shadows were not unrealistic. . I’m halfway through your book and I don’t know how you did it.
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> 6:  You’ve included the ‘who is meisms’ and the ‘Why me feelings. You’ve eally got it all in there and in a very believable way.
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> In the en,there is a sense of “What was that all about?”  Was I being silly. Should I feel lucky, ashamed, etc.  Youcertainly seem to have learned how to roll with the punches and to get up with a smile  and embracing life.
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> 7. I’ve been looking for some way to improve the piece, but I really havn’t been successful.   Good job.
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> 8.In Paragraph 7 you said, “ I don’t know, K answered in exasperation. I’lll get there when I can.” some people would criticize that for being redundant. They might say that the reader already knows you are exasperated. I disagree.  It helps me to have that pointed out.
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> 9. In paragraph 10 you say your brother would want to come down and take care of you, but he really couldn’t. so I’m picturing him making the gesture, but counting on you and his family to say how he could not afford to do that.  I wonder how that conversation would actually have gone. How honest would it have been. Did your relationship depend on everybody playing their part?  I’ve done that danceon both sides and have sometimes felt like the cowardly lion in the Wizard of Oz when he asks his comrades to talk him out of something he has just committed to.
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> --------
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> Building a Mountain from a Clogged Pore
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> 1.Recently, I stepped out of the shower and was drying myself when I 
> discovered something on my left breast. It felt like the moles on other 
> parts of my skin the dermatologist said were nothing to worry about so 
> I told myself I was making a mountain out of a mole, but the fact that 
> it was on my left breast was worrisome.
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> 2 I hurriedly dressed, called the women’s clinic, and was able to get an 
> appointment for later that morning. When I called the paratransit 
> service to arrange a ride, the dispatcher said, “We’ll get you there, 
> but you’ll have to be patient getting home.” As I put my cell phone in 
> my pocket, I thought that if I wasn’t diagnosed with breast cancer, I 
> would have all the time in the world. I then realized that the
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> nurse-practitioner at the clinic wouldn’t be able to tell if the spot 
> was cancer by looking at it. A biopsy would need to be scheduled, and 
> that would mean waiting and wondering.
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> 3. I threw myself into my work, eating half a bagel and banana at my desk 
> while checking email. I usually did this every morning to save time. I 
> then started work on an upcoming blog post. Fifteen minutes before my 
> scheduled pick-up time, I was ready. The bus was late.
> It was about ten minutes before my scheduled appointment, and the 
> driver said, “I’ve got a couple people to pick up before I can get you 
> there. Sorry.”
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> 4.  Oh great, I thought, and I removed my cell phone from my pocket. “Just 
> tell them it’s our fault. We had a scheduling problem.”
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> 5         The scheduling problem was my fault, I thought. When I called the 
> clinic earlier, there was another opening for the following day, but I 
> didn’t want to wait that long. The paratransit service usually 
> preferred to book rides at least a day in advance, but I’d convinced 
> the dispatcher it was urgent.
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> 6   When I called the clinic a second time from the bus and explained the 
> situation, the young woman who answered the phone said, “When do you 
> think you’ll be here?”
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> 7.  “I don’t know,” I answered in exasperation. “I’ll be there when I can. 
> Just tell the nurse-practitioner I’m coming.”
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> 8. As the bus bumped along, I thought my life was going great until now. 
> My new memoir was out, and a couple of promotion events were scheduled. 
> Why did this have to happen now?
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> 9. I remembered the time when my late husband Bill suffered his first 
> stroke. We’d been married for three months and were happy, then boom! 
> Was this thing on my breast another bomb about to droop (drop)? Why?
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> 10. I alternated between these thoughts and telling myself I was making a 
> mountain out of a mole. I thought of my editor, Leonore Dvorkin, who 
> fought her own battle with breast cancer years earlier and lived to 
> write a memoir about it. While she was recovering from surgery, her 
> husband David took care of her. I no longer had a husband. If I needed 
> a lump or the whole breast removed, I would have to depend on the 
> kindness of friends. My brother would probably want to fly in from 
> Florida, but with a wife and five kids and working two jobs to make 
> ends meet, he couldn’t afford it.
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> 11. When we finally arrived at the medical complex housing the women’s 
> clinic, I was surprised when my talking watch told me it was 
> ten-forty-five, the actual time of the appointment. My white cane 
> swinging in front of me, I dashed to the elevator and found the 
> Braille-labeled button for the second floor.
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> 12. “It’s probably nothing,” I told Tracy, the nurse-practitioner moments 
> later. “It could just be a mole, but I thought I should have it checked out.”
> “Absolutely,” she said. I placed my index finger on the spot, and she 
> examined it. “It looks like just a clogged pore.”
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> 13. “You mean it’s nothing to worry about?”
> “Not at all,” she answered. “It should clear up soon, but if it gets 
> bigger and starts hurting, let us know.”
> After putting my shirt back on and before leaving the exam room, I 
> called the paratransit service to request a ride home, prepared to be 
> patient. As I left the clinic and made my way down the deserted hall 
> toward the elevator, I was relieved and elated. “Yes, I don’t have 
> breast cancer. Life can go on,” I said, thankful no one was there to hear me.
> Once on the ground floor, I stood just inside the entrance. To my 
> surprise, a bus pulled up a few minutes later. This was my lucky day.
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>        I love the refrain, “I have been here before.” I love the roll of the r’s.
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>   the roll continues throughout the stanza. They are like a military drum roll that makes our blood excited to go to war and engage in patriotic activities. Drums and war dances have been used thouout  human history. But the writer challenges these heady experiences  by stating that her heart hangs low.Even in this line, the ‘r’ is prevalent.  the heart is not raised but lowered. the inner conflict is clearly defined.
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> second  stanza , line 1.
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> quote “three flags flourish.” quote. alliteration of the f’s is good and the r keeps rolling. The word ‘flourish’ speaks of the survival of life..
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> I love the refrainand question,  quote. “Commander-in-Chief, when’ is that enough? quote. When is it enough. When has a family and its members made enough sacrifices and tempted fate enough?  When has a family’s patriotic duty been fulfilled?
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> quote. “Ten little fingers and 10 little toes,” quote is the voice of the mothers who see their deployed members as children, born in perfection and innocence. All of which is maimed by war.
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> Then the poet turns to the Creator and chief who has protected her children  and she supplicates that he do it again. Haven’t they earned this? Haven’t we earned this.
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> When the poet speaks of ‘standing in this room before,’ she is not speaking only of herself as a single entity, but of mothers who have seen their children off to battle since time immemorial.  (when will we ever learn?)
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> Then the poem moves to what those who are beautiful in their innocent perfection, are capable of when they are not serving the gods of war.
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> The poet stands in honor and prays, even though these questions  have never been answered, despite the fact that  she cannot accept the reality  of this human condition, especially when applied to her own family.
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> The handshake with OBamma and Michelle indicates to me,  that we are compelled as a species to work to resolve the human condition and to accept responsibility for it. Doing  Karma with Dharma is an ancient Hindu concept. It is not only what we do, but how we do it. We are not to be reviled for being human, but trust  that a way will unfold. that allows us to live up to our potential.
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> The llast line is like a splash of cold water. This is as real as it gets, down to rank, file. and serial number. The deployment  to Afghanistan  is what the writer now has to live with.
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> Blue Star for a Bold Nephew
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> by Alice Jane-Marie Massa
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> 1. I have been here before,
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> been in this room before,
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> with the blue-star banner hanging on my window
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> and my heart, my heart hanging so low.
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> 2. Three flags flourish on my window sill;
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> three years ago, he was in Iraq for eleven months.
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> Commander-in-Chief, wasn’t that enough?
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> Ten little fingers and ten little toes.
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> Creator-in-Chief, bring him back once more--
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> like his grandpas, uncles, dad, and cousins.
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> Ten little fingers and ten little toes.
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> I have been in this room before--
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> waiting, waiting so long:
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> standing, standing in front of the draperies
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> where I pinned his airborne wings—
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> praying, praying for ordinary things.
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> Ten little fingers and ten little toes.
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> Last year, he shook hands with the President and with Michelle—
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> those hands, those hands that play so beautifully the “Ashokan Farewell”
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> on his violin that I love, so love.
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> Ten little fingers and ten little toes.
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> Commander-in-Chief, tell me this is all a mistake.
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> Wake me!  Wake me from this blue-star dream!
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> I have been in this room before:
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> I have been at this window before.
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> To honor him and all his fellow soldiers,
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> I stand.
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> In prayer, I stand.
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> Second deployment:  Bagram, Afghanistan.
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> Number of words: 203
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> Number of lines: 30
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> first draft:  July 10, 2012
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> revision:  July 19, 2012
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> second revision:  September 9-11, 2016
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> A many layered story told in a powerful way with an economy of words.  I really like this poem, and find I need to knit-pick if I am to have anything to say. It is a story about how we all come from disperate views of the world and its realities.
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> line 1quote . "A collective gasp of wonder and amazement." quote. What is the difference between wonder and amazement. Actuallly, the two are synonyms.  If you need another word, use one that expands the experience. For example, 'disbelief'. However two words works well here. Just leave wonder or amazement out.
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> I like the piece starting out with dialogue to describe the audience reaction.
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> line 3. The commenter obviously believes  that the power of the act is based on the actresse’s performing ability. But the reader never  quite knows whether this is a performance or the actress simply being hrself while being in an horrendous situation.
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> line 4. This is an interesting comment. Is beautiful relevant  to the play? It serves the purpose of showing how many different points of view there are in an audience. If expanded to life in general, it is an equally important statement by the writer. so many things in this piece seem irrelevant according to  different points of view. We never get a clear grasp on reality. Certainly, the actress seems to have a rather narrow view of her own life situation. I doubt her credibility.
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> Lines 5 and 6. You’ve expanded this idea of everybody coming from their own place.  Except, one of these two audience members at least has the insight to know that he does not know what the actress is really like. so, so far, that is the least egocentric position.The position of doubt.
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> Lines 7 and 8: quote. That’s her job, that’s what she does. quote. Realism takes on a shade of skepticism and mistrust.  How can motives be judged, when everyone is simply acting. How genuine can we trust people to be?
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> Lines 9 and 10: “quote I know. It is almost scary.” quote the point is that it is scary. Probably most readers will have encountered others, significant in their lives, who have pulled the wool over their eyes. If the reader makes a connection here, it will be a very powerful connection.
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> Lines 11 and 12: Now the one who supposedly knows the truth (about herself and her world) has taken off pretense and faces her world unprotected. But this is also an illusion.
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> line 13: “quote Two burned out bulbs, shadowed her mirrors.” quote I think these are tired, burnt out eyes, which sees her world darkly. She sees only dark shadows.
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> lines 14 and 15: she opens the drawer and gets a bottle of alcohol. this is more testimony of her inability or even unwillingness to have a clear perception of hrself and her world.  So the reader is not going to get a ‘true’ idea of this actress.
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> lines 16, 17, 18. Her view of her world is too painful to try to grasp. Life needs a buffer. a numbing . She cannot stand to be there. so she attempts to escae from it, and thereby lose her potential capacity to deal with it. Lern from it. grow from it.
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> Line 19. In other words, we cop out.
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> lines 20 and 21: We  wallow deepr and deeper into a swampy, mucky mire, lost in our illusions of who we are and what the world is.
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> Lines 22, 23, 24. While she stumbles around in Hell, she want’s a way out of the story.  she thinks about the ultimate copout of suicide. but at this point even suicide is an unclear venture. How can we escape from a story we make  up ourselves. Wouldn’t killing ourselves just be another chapter in this book of tragedy.
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> lines 25 to the finish. Even as she exits the stage, she holds on to her story. almost a willing prisoner. Her fans are a major part of her fantasy. Everyone digs the drama
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> It occurs to me that writing the whole piece in the present tense might be an even stronger approach.
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> Brad
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> The Curtain Finally Fell
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> A Vignette by Brad Corallo
> word count 177
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> 1. A collective gasp of wonder and amazement.
> 2  "Did you ever see anything like that?"
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> 3. "No, she is outstanding,
> 3. What a performance!"
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> 4. "I thought she was so beautiful!
> 5. I wonder what she is really like as a person."
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> 6. "Oh, I have no doubt she had to be playing herself."
> 7. "Well, she is an actress,
> 8. That's her job, it's what she does!"
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> 9. "But it seemed so real!"
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> 10. "I know, it is almost scary!" 
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> 11. She sat alone
> 12. Removing stage makeup in the dingy dressing room
> 13. Two burned out bulbs shadowed her mirror.
> 14. She opened a drawer
> 15. And grabbed a pint of Bourbon
> 16. Uncapping it she slugged directly from the bottle.
> 17. The anxiety and the rage
> 18. Temporarily watered down. 
> 19. She did not whish to return home.
> 20. She hated him almost as much as she hated herself.
> 21. For the thousandth time 
> 22. she wondered why she 
> 23. Didn't just end it all,
> 24. Maybe tonight.
> 25. She exited the theater
> 26. waving 
> 27. while her star struck admirers 
> 28.stood reverently,
> 29. beaming their worship
> 30. into the empty 
> 31. rain grey night. 
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> :-------
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> Leonard’s critique of Val’s piece.
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> I’ve gone for knit picking here because all in all the piece is fine the way it stands. If I didn’t look for details I wouldn’t have anything to say.  But consider some of my alternative suggestions.
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> I like the way that you do not define who or what the subject of this acrostic poem is. Probably most people would say you are talking of Gd. But it could be your muse, an inspiring person in your life or any number of alternative possibilities.
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> One issue I have for acrostic poems is that it forces the shapes and lengths of lines in ways that often seem compromising to me. I suppose all poetic forms do that when the rules are strictly followed.
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> 1.  Consider saying: searching the depts. of my soul. Instead of saying: Searching in the depths of my soul.
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> 2. Examining the dusty corners…
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>     You don’t need the article ‘the’.
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> 3. Again I look for words to catch: consider using the word ‘grasp’ instead of catch. It’s a small matter of preference, but to me the word has slightly different nuance in meaning and  the ‘r’ and  ‘s’ sounds  make the following line run better. Which is, “rivers of emotions you inspire.
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> Lines 5, 6, and 7. I love those lines just as they are.
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> Lines 8 and 9: great lines.
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> Searching
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> 1. Searching, in the depths of my soul,
> 2. Examining the dusty corners of spirit,
> 3. Again I look for words to catch
> 4. Rivers of emotion you inspire.
> 5. Cloudy defenses fall away and light comes
> 6. Healing and bright with the sound of your
> 7. Incredible voice.
> 8. Nothing can reach me, in all 
> 9. Glimmers of experiences as you can so freely.
>