[Critique Group 2] Emailing: Group 2, 9-20-16, Brad's critiques

[James]

Group 2, 9-20-16, Brad's critiques
# 1. Abbie's piece:
Epistle or letter poem

*** 

An extremely poignant and powerful piece. Depth of loss combines with naked
honesty to create a tribute to a love that will either be eternal or a
little longer. 
The 4 stanzas/paragraphs nicely cover: 1. setting the stage, 2. reflections
re his things. I love the reference to the Grandfather clock in the song
relating it to his computer, 3. the sharing of her work and their delight in
it and 4. the most poignant section which needs no comment at all
A highly personal, superb piece.   
It is especially powerful for those who have experienced a similar love or
loves.

*** 

# 2. Leonard's piece:
Going home, or the great escape

Specific questions:
 
Can I make this poem shorter?
Is there confusion concerning who is speaking in the dialogue parts?

I found no confusion re who was speaking. As for "could I make this poem
shorter?" perhaps though it's very length conveys quite well the tedium of
the narrator's situation. I don't see clearly where cuts could or should be
made.
Just 2 observations re the first 6 lines: 

Only one day after knee replacement,
but I am longing to go home.

For me this doesn't quite flow, possibly:
In captivity, only one day after knee replacement,
I am longing to go home.

Line 6:
stuffed with banal commands of, "Thou Shalt Not's"
Perhaps "commands of "thou shalt not".
The piece moves nicely from the general- other patients and their
tribulations to the specific- Leonard's personal experience. Hospital
protocols; both so necessary and yet so unhealing to the spirit are well
captured like the patient himself. 
The piece made me reflect upon how our approach to health care frequently
admirably heals the body but doesn't even acknowledge the spirit or how the
patient feels about what they have gone through. For me, this just adds to
the scary nature of brushes with medical inpatient treatment. So, one of the
best things one can say about a piece of writing occurred: "it made me
think!"

*** 

  3. Valerie's Piece:
"Searching" 

A highly spiritual piece. 
Is the reference to "the incredible voice" divine feedback experienced from
deeply within? I had all ready observed to Val in an earlier e-mail that the
piece has a flavor of the writings of Bruce Cockburn. In that same e-mail, I
also suggested a comma in the last line between can and so. "so freely"
could even possibly be the last line on its own. A thing about this piece
that I like very much is it speaks to the idea of spiritual searching from a
universal not a specific point of view or belief system. Good stuff!

*** 

# 4. Alice's Piece:
Blue Star for a Bold Nephew

Another very powerful and poignant piece! The repeated lines "I have been in
this room before" and the refrain "ten little fingers, ten little toes" add
to the expression of the pain experienced by those who have and have had
loved ones in combat. In the accompanying e-mail you indicated that your
paternal grandparents had four blue stars in the window in World War II.
Mine had three including my dad. For me one star is certainly more than
enough to ask from a family. As far as Colin Kaepernick goes; I see a young
man having a poor year at quarter back choosing a questionable way of
keeping himself in the consciousness of football fans. Oh well, he is
entitled to his opinion, perhaps he is even sincere. He was very impressive
at the beginning of his career; I personally find this expression somewhat
less impressive. Many of us in the sixties didn't understand that one can
and perhaps should, be opposed to questionable wars without being opposed to
the human beings who either chose or were unlucky enough to be the
combatants. In my opinion it is horrific how poorly Vietnam veterans were
treated because they had the bad judgment to be risking their lives in an
"unpopular" war. All those who serve are worthy of honor and respect no
matter how unnecessary their specific war may seem to be. For me the most
tragic thing is that anyone has to serve at all. It is a function of our
often less than admirable species. Well, as I said in a previous critique,
this piece made me think. It made me think a lot. It is what good art should
do and one way it can be recognized!
Kudos, Alice  
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